14 September 2006

Late night thoughts on arrogance

It is 3:12 here and I've been up for about an hour. Wide awake -- cannot sleep. My mind is racing and yet, I'm so tired. I need to get back to bed.
However, I've been thinking about arrogance and how I have been and probably will be guilty of gross arrogance throughout my life. This has been brought into sharp focus for me as we've pondered the possibility that something is really wrong with our baby. I've realized my arrogance of assumption that I would have a healthy baby, my belief that I could prevent something being wrong if I just did everything "right", my belief that somehow I'd have the answers to whatever would come next...
I've also realized the arrogance I've applied to others. I've thought that I have answers for them, that I would handle situations better than they have, that my solutions and thoughts would clearly make their lives much better if they were somehow just able to receive my superior wisdom...
And most of all, I've realized the theological arrogance that I've bought into. I've realized this before, but in talking to people in my congregation and hearing how they perceive God to be working both in their own lives and in the life of my family, I realize that often I have dismissed their views as lesser than my own. What I often haven't realized is that the theology they hold close brings them peace and comfort. The theology they hold has, in most cases, been earned by more suffering, pain, joy -- by more life than I have, or may ever, experience.
My arrogance is humbling and humiliating. I don't know why I've needed to define myself in superior smug self-satisfaction, when clearly I am neither superior nor self-satisfied and any smugness is a facade.
The truth is -- I have no answers, really. I don't know how to handle what comes next. I am groping to find God in the midst of all my fears and anxiety.
In short, there is no room for arrogance here. And that -- well, that is very scary.

6 comments:

Dawn C said...

Oh Honey, We all walk around, wearing arrogance, like a plummed hat! Everyone sees it in our lives, but us. It waves and bobs with each step, but we remain oblivious.

I'm rejoicing with you that Father is putting His finger on it, but in the midst of everything else, it seems heavy, no doubt.

I continue to pray - for peace, for hope, for a gift of faith (maybe you don't need it, but I sure would, so you'll have to put up with me praying it for you!...you were saying what about arrogance??!!) for GRACE to soak into every corner of your being. (And for time to hurry up and pass!)

Many hugs April, as you face this day with less than optimal sleep... MANY hugs!

Violet said...

Oh April, I can only say be thankful you are learning these difficult lessons NOW. I grieve over the fact that it has taken me soooo long to even begin seeing what you are seeing so clearly (albeit painfully).

Here are some verses the Lord gave me in this process to keep me from giving up. Deut. 8:2, 3 - "And thou shalt remember all the way which the LORD thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no. And he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna, which thou knewest not, neither did thy fathers know; that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the LORD doth man live."

Keep feeding on His manna!

Crystal said...

((((hugs)))), just lots of (((hugs))) from me.

jettybetty said...

This is profound--thanks for sharing these thoughts--I have been there--in some cases--I am there!

Still praying for peace--that you would just be surrounded by God's presence--and that you will be able to rest these next few weeks.

(((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

Hi this is Krina from queenheroical.blogspot.com, I just wanted to say that it has been my experience that when God is readying to reveal some aspect of himself to me, this is exactly how I feel as well. I learn so much better once I have fallen to the ground than when I am comfortable and oblivious but the falling always tends to smart a bit.
It is comforting to know I can find such good company down in the dirt, Krina

Jasmine said...

I just found your site through another link. I know exactly what you are going through. about 4 years ago when I was pregnant with my first we were told of a possibility of Trisomy 18. I went trhough a lot of the same things that you wrote about here. I feel for you, it was like my inocence was taken away. The doctors pushed for an amnio so we could make an "informed decision", but refused. God let me get pregnant and I wasn't going to risk the life of my child when I knew that the outcome wouldn't change anything. I found a new doctor who was understanding and the baby and I were watched closley. It was a very long 6 months. When she finally arrived we found out she has apert syndrome, something that wouldn't have shown up on the amnio. It has been difficult but she is a joy, she will never be "normal" but because of her I am closer to God than ever before. Remember to lean on Him and you will make it, this is all apart of His plan for you and your family. Take care and God bless.