For those worried about the "patriarchal" church we now attend...

... (and you know who you are)...

Today my children spent a long time playing "church." They turned two plastic storage bins on end to create pulpits, used the stick end of a hobby horse for a microphone, passed out children's bibles and pink and purple blocks for communion, and turned on Rutter's Gloria for the music.

Annalivia brought the sermon.

So far, so good... :)

Dec. 6: Angelic...ish

The kids were in a program Sunday night at church. Considering that it started about an hour before their bedtimes and they had no naps and had arisen VERY early in the morning, I thought my children were...not terrible. I was thankful that there were about 25 other kids in the same situation. The directors of the program deserve some sort of saint status.

This one DID NOT want to get pigtails in her hair; she wanted to have curly hair. The child's hair is slippery, thick and straight. It does not curl. After explaining this to her approximately 5000 times, she reluctantly agreed to pigtails, then changed her mind about three minutes before we walked out the door. She kept saying, "I look RIDICULOUS!" She didn't. But she took her pigtails out sometime between her entrance and the appearance of the children's choir at the end of the second act.

This boy only wore his halo for the first four minutes of the program. And he was so tired that he ended up sitting on the floor behind a cloud during the last song and doing the motions to Away in the Manger, though the choir wasn't singing that particular song at the time.

And this child squawked through the play, bounced around and banged her mouth on the pew several times and sobbed, and was generally disruptive. I took her to the back of the church with the other mothers with little ones and she tried to crawl out of my arms to grab the 7-month old beside us. She sure looks cute here, though.

After the program we had cake in the all-purpose room of the church and Daniel and Annalivia and the other 25 kids who had not had naps ran approximately 3 miles in laps around the outside of the room. I think there was a tacet agreement among the parents to not enforce the no-running-in-church thing because all of us seemed pretty grateful that our children, who were now past their bedtimes were, at least, not at our tables, sobbing.

When we got home, the kiddos went straight to bed, and, not surprisingly, the older two were asleep almost immediately. And when I went to check on them later, they sure looked angelic.

At the close of Ordinary Time...

In these last few minutes of Ordinary Time, a few things to remember about this November...

:: Little Emmeliese learned how to crawl and Mama finally let her eat her first real food. She's also doing some dancing (shaking her head, moving her body up and down, waving arms and legs) whenever she hears any music. The other day, I walked in the dining room and my baby girl was standing by her highchair which she had used to pull herself up. And she's sleeping better -- usually waking up only once a night since we moved her into her own room (thank the Lord!) She's growing up so fast!

:: Daniel has started drawing faces and the other day he colored orange in the middle of the flame of a candle picture. I thought that was cool. He and Annalivia are sharing a room right now and he likes that. He was glad to give his room to Emmeliese. He always takes such good care of her. And he and Annalivia have been playing really well together.

:: Annalivia has been very good about sharing her room, though she'd prefer that she and Daniel have the bunk beds we'll eventually borrow from my aunt instead of beds on the floor. We took her out of preschool at the beginning of the month and she has adjusted well to being home. I like it. She's an incredible big sister most of the time to both Daniel and Emmeliese. I'm trying to be more intentional about having special time alone with her. One day this month, we got home from our church's Kids Club and decided to have an adventure. We went and got ice cream and then I showed her the Big Dipper and the Milky Way. It was really neat.

:: Dennis has been making some progress on the house and we've experienced a renewed enthusiasm for it since we became members of the Old House Society in Bloomington. They operate an architectural salvage warehouse that made both of our hearts beat faster.

:: I've been working on some Christmas presents and looking forward to another handmade Christmas with our families. I am very thankful for my family's approach to Christmas -- handmade, edible or inexpensive presents are not only appreciated but encouraged. I love that.

:: We rearranged furniture and stuff in our rental house to allow for room for Emmeliese to move about unhindered. It was getting inconvenient to drag her out from radiators and corners with outlets and from under furniture and such several times an hour. In doing our rearranging, I realized that, though it doesn't look magazine-worthy at all, I really like openness in a room. Furniture anchored to or near walls is ok with me. I know that makes me uncool.

:: We had a great Thanksgiving with the family. We did a progressive dinner throughout the day with pate at my sisters, dinner at my mom's and pie at my grandfather's. It was lovely. The food was wonderful. I keenly missed, missed, missed my Grammy. But, in a way, those emotions made the day much more poignant and meaningful.

:: We are still loving our experiences at our new church and are so thankful that God led us there. Annalivia is having an incredible mid-week experience, the kids are both loving Sunday school and getting ready for a Christmas program this coming month, Dennis has had some really neat experiences with an active, viable, focused men's ministry, and I got to meet some neat people at the Beth Moore event and am looking forward to some women's ministry events this coming month, too. And Dennis and I love, love, LOVE our Sunday School class and the challenging, invigorating discussions we experience there.

:: Phil, our pastor, had a great sermon last week on giving and in it, he said something about giving from our abundance that caught me. He said rather than thinking about what we no longer use or need, we could think about what others could use or need. The latter removes the "I-problem" from the equation. The distinction has stuck with me this week and I'm ready to do some fresh examination of our abundance and see what others could use or need.

:: I'm going to try to post more often during December. I'm ready for Advent and already anticipating Incarnation. Come quickly, Lord Jesus.

What a weekend!

This has been such a good weekend, that I feel like I should hit on a few highlights to remember.

-- I went to a Beth Moore Living Proof event this week, fully embracing the evangelical side of myself. Dang, was it good! She is such an energetic speaker and draws very cool connections. The subject of her talk was John the Baptist and it was fascinating. And it was illuminative when applied to my own life. I had heard her on the radio before, but had not seen her. She reminded me of several southern-woman friends. It was lovely. I had such an incredible experience, that I'm going to try to go back next year.

-- At the Beth Moore thing, I sat next to a woman from Chicago. She ended up being a homeschooling mother of 4 whose children have the same exact age range of mine. It was SO cool! She was my partner for a final commissioning thing that was very moving. We exchanged email address and facebook info and I think we will be spiritual friends.

-- I also got to hang out with some women from our new church and had a good time getting to know them better. It was just a lot of fun, though they were very worried about me driving down to the conference by myself, sitting by myself and rooming by myself. I explained that this sort of solitude really WAS a gift. Really. No, REALLY, chicas. Although it was just wonderful to get to know these very cool women, time alone was G-O-O-D!!

-- The weather was incredible this week. We've had so much rain this fall -- flooding and crops waterlogged in the field. This week has been so amazing -- sunny and in the high 50's, low 60's. Then this weekend it was in the mid-70's. This coming week is supposed to be beautiful, too.

-- We had a great church morning. We've been getting up early and going out to breakfast before going to church. I don't know if it's a wise thing to do that long-term, but it sure is a nice treat and a really special way to begin the morning. Lots of people were gone from church this morning, but we had a great conversation in Sunday School and the sermon was really, really good.

-- Today our yard was blitz-raked by a church youth group. We had 15 kids out there with rakes going crazy. They raked the yards of both elderly neighbors, too, and then moved on down the block, accepting no money -- just serving.

-- Since the youth group was such a help at this house, we went to our new house and raked. I tried tossing the kids into a leaf pile, but they did not appreciate the joy of such. Dennis thought my tenacity was rather remarkable since I refused to believe they were not having fun until they were both sobbing. Sometimes, I'm not the greatest mother ever. ;)

-- Tonight after dinner, we watched the end of a football game and Annalivia and Daniel did some swordfighting a la Narnia. Daniel, as King Peter, was hilariously relentless while Annalivia, as the White Witch or as Queen Susan, tried to pose her swords artistically. Emmeliese sat on the floor and bobbed up and down and watched and laughed at them encouragingly.

-- And now we're all going to bed VERY early! The house is messy, but sleep is a more important priority at this point. Hope your weekend was grand!

A different expectation

One of the prejudices I managed to nurture throughout my previous mainline church experience was the notion that evangelicals have a sub-standard intellectual tradition. I thought that most of them just didn't want to really think about faith. (I mean, why else would they believe in the pesky doctrine of the sovereignty of God?)

I was introduced to the error of my ways about three years ago when I encountered a faith community of women at the now-defunct Choosing Home. For the most part, these were stay-at-home mothers who were...how can I say this correctly... not in the least bit dumb. I don't want to use "intellectual giants" because probably none of them would accept such a description of themselves, but suffice to say, their knowledge of the Bible, theology (both theoretical and applied), and church history just amazed and astounded me. I was brought up short in front of a false picture of evangelicals I had painted and hung off to the side of my faith journey. What I had created was not real. It was a convenient portrayal so I could disregard the hard questions I would inevitably be asked.

Our family has been participating in an evangelical church (Evangelical Mennonite is the best description, or at least the most well-known) for the last five months. Today, our adult Sunday School class, which involved about 25 adults from the ages of 20-40, engaged in a spirited, intellectual discussion about Calvin. I was amazed that laypeople, and not just a few laypeople, but many of those in the room, not only knew who Calvin was, but knew more about theology and the differences in the theology than I did. Their comments revealed an intellectual curiousity about faith that indicated that this discussion was not their first introduction to theological debate. And this was no milquetoast discussion; it was passionate, and complex. There was never a convergence of opinion/ belief -- some of the theology introduced was pretty liberal, some pretty conservative -- but it was an incredibly respectful discussion. It was completely unlike any conversation I've had at church, ever. It was, frankly, exhilarating.

When Dennis and I processed it verbally after church together, we realized two things...

1.) This church expects a certain level of literacy from followers of Christ. The expectation is informal, but it is there. It begins with Biblical literacy, but extends to a basic knowledge of different theologies, Christian traditions and world religions. Dennis mentioned today that he has been incredibly impressed by the knowledge possessed by laypeople in the congregation. I hadn't really thought about it much, but when he mentioned it, I realized how extraordinary this level of knowledge is, particularly in the light of my second realization, which will probably get me into trouble...

2.) I have been confronted again and again with the fact that, in large part, the mainline church is failing its people when it comes to really connecting the mind with the process of faith. I'm not sure where it was that it became a joke that we don't read the Bible. It should be incite a great sense of shame, I think. What mainline illiteracy has produced is a laity that is dependent on ministers to not only illuminate, but also introduce basic Biblical concepts. This allows for only a very narrow thread of theology to be discussed and considered amongst the people. Because hardly anyone, including pastors, are secure in Biblical knowledge, there is almost no ability to produce an intellectual discussion, let alone a classical argument/counter-argument. Debate doesn't exist. And when it does, it generally isn't very respectful. Bottom line -- the conversation I experienced this morning simply couldn't have taken place in the churches of which I've been a part or with which I'm familiar. And that's primarily because of a basic lack of necessary education.

So, I've realized again how ridiculous my former prejudice is. It turns out that picture I painted of someone who did little to move beyond preformed suppositions and did less to challenge one's faith intellectually, was the mainline me. The sub-standard Christian intellectual tradition was mine.

I was schooled again today. At church. It was a wonderful thing.

Sabbath, Queen of the week

Awhile ago, I read an article or post or something or other about how conservative and orthodox Jews sometimes refer to the Sabbath as "Queen of the Week." Many Jews try to arrange their lives to point towards the Sabbath. The Sabbath is not just the last day of the week; it is the week's crowning glory, the pinacle towards which the week is headed. As the Sabbath approaches, everything is arranged to create an atmosphere of worship and rest for the family.

I thought it sounded like a very cool concept. Then the need for a Sabbath re-focus in our family hit us about mid-summer. We had a child meltdown at a church we were visiting and ended up leaving the service early. In analyzing the situation, we realized that the week before it had been completely crazy. The Saturday day preceding the meltdown had been crazy, the night before had been awful. Even Sunday morning was ridiculous. As we drove away from church that morning, we resolved to start thinking differently about our Sundays.

So, we've been trying to arrange our lives so that Sunday is the high point of the week. We're convinced that God created the Sabbath for a very good reason. Plus, we yearn for rest, for time for the family to be together, for special moments. Sabbath is just necessary.

So far, we are doing better at the practical things. We're trying to make sure that clothes are chosen, ironed and accessorized (i.e. shoes are found) before we go to bed. We pack the church bag with Bibles and diapers. And we try to make sure that breakfast is made (I've been making overnight rolls), lunch is on board and dinner is planned on Saturday evening. I've also been making a really conscious effort to discipline my thinking on Sunday morning. For some reason, I can be really grumpy and it just poisons everyone's morning. I've noticed Annalivia has a similar tendency, so we've been talking about being an influence for good. It's helped.

But if feels as though we have a long way to go in terms of how we think about Sabbath. How do we worship more fully? How do we see the day as unique in its blessing? And practically -- how do we rest? How do we capture special moments? What can we do to communicate to our children that the Sabbath really is a precious gift?

Any thoughts -- practical or cerebral/ spiritual? Anyone feel as though you do well with this in your family? I'd love to read about it!

The Bible in church

The other big thing that has helped our new-found fascination with Scripture around here is that we have enjoyed worshiping with a church that promotes and expects one's actual, physical usage of the Bible in worship, Sunday School, Children's Church, as well as meetings.

This is new for us. We have grown up in, attended (Dennis), and pastored (me) churches that were fairly lectionary-based. The sermons were based on a lection or two, or maybe even four, but generally stuck to those readings only. Sermons typically did not reference other scriptures and line-by-line studies in worship are generally not employed by my colleagues in ministry.

The church we've been attending begins with a call to worship from the Bible, sets up the prayer with a passage, has us flipping back and forth all over scripture during a sermon, and then closes with a Scriptural benediction. I know that for some, this is distracting, but Dennis and I find it sort of thrilling.

The kids are also taught Bible stories exclusively in Sunday School and Children's Church. We've been amazed at the detail with which Annalivia recounts (and Daniel echoes Annalivia) the story of Lydia helping Paul or Paul and Silas bringing down the prison walls or just one leper/ leopard :) returning to thank Jesus, etc. The kids begin every class with a reading from the big-person's Bible. In a few weeks, the church will have a little ceremony and present Bibles to the first graders, since all of them can read and all of them remain in the church service instead of going off to Children's Church. They'll be able to participate with the adults in Bible-reading during worship, and from what I have observed, they do!

Again, all of these may not seem like big things, but for us, such practices have been absolutely liberating. And I mean that in all senses of the word. We feel free in a way we've just not experienced before.

I personally think it has everything to do with the presence and elevation of the Word of God.

Seeking a hand or foot in the Body of Christ

I've been thinking -- if the Church is the Body of Christ and we are all called to serve different functions, would it not follow that there are different times in our lives when we need different parts? For example, perhaps we need a hand at one point in our lives and later the hand has served its purpose and now we need a foot?

I wonder why it is that we believe our individual churches have to function as all parts of the body. Or maybe it's just mainline established denominations and the people in them that tend to think this way? What if joining a church when one is baptized and remaining in it until death is just not the way it is supposed to work?

Food for thought

We had Cook's Night Out at church tonight. It's the first Wednesday of the month and a different committee or ministry group hosts it on a rotating basis. This month, the youth group put out lasagna, garlic bread, salad and cakes. It was a nice time of fellowship.

Afterwards we had a "town meeting" at church to discuss a deficit between the projected budget and the projected income for next year. Right now, in order to balance it, the church really has only three options: cut salaries, cut outreach giving, or make up the income. Or it can approve a deficit budget. Which it did last year and is now running with a surplus.

It was an interesting meeting. There are many faithful people on all sides of the issue and nothing is cut and dried. Personally, I think the staff is essential and at least one of them is probably underpaid anyway. And I think the outreach is faithful and necessary, though I think it has become a little removed from the personal realities of many congregants because the church takes care of it for us.

When it comes down to it, I think I'm a big fan of leap-of-faith deficit budgets. This church has scrupulous record-keeping and pays impeccable attention to where the money goes. Balanced budgets are a tradition, I think. But in the three churches I've worked in as a paid employee, budget deficits of up to 1/3-1/2 of the projected budget were so commonplace that no one batted an eye at approving a budget with a projected $30,000 shortfall. And every year, the needs were met somehow. Sometimes I think a little affliction for the sake of gospel is a good thing that we mainliners don't usually experience. But I know that there are lots of people worried about financial afflictions in their own lives/ businesses right now. One more worry might be one affliction too much. We'll see.

In the meantime, these fellowship opportunities are probably just what the Spirit would order. At the end, the senior minister asked us all to join hands and pray the Lord's Prayer and everyone just sort of automatically (though with a teeny bit of bumbling) made their way into a large circle. The minister said, "See? You just know how to be church!" And it's true. They do. We do. And we'll figure out this latest challenge together.

And onward...

We had a very nice Thanksgiving Day here. It was a day of lots of food. I made the rest of the buttermilk roll recipe into cinnamon rolls for breakfast. They were very good and led me to appreciate even more that recipe. The family arrived for pate and other stuff late morning. We were done with that by noon and then on to Lil's for dinner in the early evening. The food was all wonderful and the schedule was fairly relaxed. After our exhausted children got into bed a little before 8, I went out to my parents' house and got to have some really nice, and needed-by-me, conversation with both Dad and Mom. I returned home in time to smell the laundry Dennis had done in my absence. It was a good day.

Today, we are turning towards the next holiday. The fall decorations are in the process of being put away. I got the Advent/ Christmas books out today and set out some of our nativity sets. Tomorrow morning, we'll go help decorate the church and then Sunday is the first Sunday of Advent and we'll start opening the doors of our Advent house calendar. Sunday night my sister, brother in law and I will sing at our Hanging of the Greens service.

I'm looking forward to all of it. In fact, this approach the holidays is so new and different for me right now. I'm very excited to be able to actually focus on contemplating and absorbing and experiencing and worshiping this year. Actually, about two weeks ago, it occurred to me that I hadn't even considered that Advent was approaching quickly. That never, ever, ever happened as a pastor! It was a delicious realization. I'm not sure I've ever been in the position to approach Christmas this way, as a matter of fact. Before pastoring where coordinating church activities absorbed all focus, there was seminary with church and finals, and before that college with finals. My guess is that it has been since I was in high school or before that I have been able to come into the holidays with a blank slate, of sorts. It's definitely the first time in our marriage, which means it's a whole new world for Dennis, too. It's amazing to be able to just savor this time! I pray I make the most of it. (Perhaps by making less of it...) What a gift as life proceeds onward...

Pastor Appreciation Month

Did you know that October is Pastor Appreciation Month? It is! Please believe me -- pastors do not hear "thank you" enough! If you've not done anything nice for the people God has called to care for you and your congregation, please take a few moments, write them a note or buy a gift certificate, and celebrate in prayer the good things they have brought you, your family, and your church family.

Church without leading it

Today the kids and I got up, got dressed and walked the block and a half to my home church. Dennis is in Rock Falls packing more of our stuff up, so it was just the three of us. The morning started pretty well. Daniel went to the nursery, Annalivia went to Sunday School and I went to an adult class taught this week by my Dad. Dad had a great lesson, if I do say so myself -- some really wonderful insights.
I was excited for church and only slightly daunted by Daniel sobbing and crying for Mommy when I walked into the nursery. Annalivia was going to stay in Godly Play for church, so we went up to the sanctuary. The opening hymn was The Church's One Foundation and the pipe organ was incredible. I almost cried with gratitude for the music.

Then we read the opening prayer and litany which involved references to this church's history and the association with the denomination, and from there, the rest of the morning seemed like Denomination Propaganda Day. I realized that, in actuality, it must have been Heritage Sunday (though I did not see that listed in the bulletin anywhere), which was used by our denomination back in the day to celebrate our past. There was a sorority from the college there and I just felt sorry for them that they had to be there on a day which was obviously for "insiders." Even as a former insider, I felt like it was a day for a special few. I don't really like that.

Anyway, the music was lovely. The choir sang a great anthem and Daniel was inspired to sing along with it. After that, the kids did not last through the rest of church. We ended up in nursery and a back room and finally, in the courtyard outside the sanctuary, where we could at least hear the organ, for the rest of it.

The best part of the whole morning, though, was sitting by Dad and Grammy and Gramps, my brother-in-law, and my niece. It's just really, really nice to be around family and to worship with them is an extra-special treat, I think.

And as for going to church as a civilian, as it were -- loved it! I'm looking forward to next week.

Significance

For some reason, the seventh anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks struck me in a profound way this year. I'm not entirely sure why, except that last year, I was having bone graft surgery and the year before officiating my great-uncle's funeral and finding out that the baby I was carrying who turned out to be Daniel had a high risk for a genetic disease. My mind was elsewhere. This year, I've had some time to think about Sept. 11.

Today, I drove up to Rock Falls to officiate a funeral and got to spend lots of time listening to NPR and thinking about the past seven years. I arrived at my church in July before the Sept. 11 attacks. After the second tower collapsed, I went to work and spent the late morning and early afternoon calling people to let them know we were having an impromptu prayer service. I remember very clearly trying to put some words to the shock all of us were feeling and failing miserably. Luckily, everyone else was also failing miserably at processing it all. At least we could fail miserably together.

Remembering that day now, I see the events through the lens of a wife and parent, and my heart feels broken in new ways. And today, again, I fail miserably at putting words to my thoughts. I have a feeling I'm not the only one. So if you still fail miserably at being able to process all that happened and has happened since then, know I'm sitting in solidarity with you tonight. At least we're failing miserably together.

And in better news...

THE OFFICE IS PACKED!!! Thanks almost entirely to my incredible husband who packed as I sorted, it is done! Hooray!

AND -- Daniel is much better, my nephew who was in the hospital last night is expected to be home tonight, sans appendix. And though I had two church members die today, both deaths are blessings and such a huge relief to family and friends, and I know heaven is rejoicing tonight.

Now the bulletin to finish and the sermon to get down on paper...

Not exactly coasting to the finish line

This last week of employ has not been easy. The kids have been sick -- Daniel has been especially hit hard by the typical cough/wheezing/ can't-hardly-breathe thing that he gets every few months. The move is not done. The office is not packed. The sermon is not written. The bulletin is not finished. And last night, we found out that a beloved member of our congregation fell at her care facility, breaking her neck. She is now paralyzed from the neck down and is not expected to live through the weekend. So there will be a funeral to do next week, also, and a very somber gathering on Sunday.

And it has been cloudy and raining and cold -- in the sky and in my spirit. Time for a turnaround.

Gifts

This week, Dennis and I received the check from our accident back in 2006. We deposited it and began the 10 day waiting period while the bank makes sure we are not terrorists. When the check clears, we'll pay off all of our debts, set aside a six-month emergency fund and invest a whole bunch. We might also go out to dinner. Maybe.

Back when we realized that someday we would receive a settlement check, we immediately decided the first 10% would go to God. Since it is our belief that it is because of God's miraculous intervention that we are alive in the first place, this makes complete and total sense to us. I know many of you out there would agree.

Today, I told our board chair that we are giving a portion of the money to the church. We want this money to be used, but we don't want to tell them how to use it. We'd like them to pray about that and figure it out on their own. It's kind of an odd thing to communicate -- take this, use it, but we aren't going to tell you how. Just be as faithful as you can. No pressure.

We also decided that I am done being paid by the congregation. Technically, I have two more paychecks left here, but I'm requesting that they keep the money. Convincing the treasurer that she should not write them out to me anyway and then have me give back the money, will take a little doing. I don't want to be taxed for it, and pay my 15.3% social security on it, after all. We'll see how that discussion goes.

It is nice to be able to give something to this congregation on the way out, when they will not be beholden to us in how they choose to use the money. It is nice to be able to communicate through what I have come to believe is their love language -- the budget-- that they are important to us. I hope these gifts convey the gratitude and appreciation I have for these last seven years.

My sabbatical

This weekend I saw a good friend of mine who is in the midst of a sabbatical from church. She has had an amazing experience in Italy, has been able to visit friends and family, and still has a few weeks left in her leave. She seemed to sort of glow as she interacted with everyone at our reunion. It was cool to see. But I was jealous.

This weekend, I also saw a couple of folks from my home church in Eureka. This is the church I attended from birth, or whenever it was that my parents first took me there. It is their church and my grandparents' church. The church nurtured me through school and then paid me to be a college intern and then sent support as I was in seminary. They ordained me and allowed me to hang around after ordination and before my call here. And they've been welcoming and interested whenever I've returned in the interim. And now, in about a month, I will return to this congregation to just be a member -- not a Timothy (or Priscilla, or whatever you want to call us) not a visiting pastor, not a student visiting during break, not a person passing through. This time, I'll be back to stay.

It will be an interesting position to occupy. And I think it will involve adjustment on all parts. When I've seen folks from my home church, they've asked first if I will be attending church there. When I say yes, they ask if I'll be singing in the choir? Teaching Sunday School? Working with the youth? On the worship team? Mowing the lawn? (not really)

My answer -- nope. I have been at my church for 7 years without a break. And, I haven't actually had a vacation since Daniel was born and I used my vacation for my maternity leave. (Does that technically even count as vacation?) So I've decided that with the move, I am taking a sabbatical -- a total sabbath and rest from church responsibilities. Basically, until a good while after the baby is born, perhaps until next summer, I am just going to be a consumer. I am ready to rest.

So, though I owe my home church a heck of a lot, they will have to wait a bit to be repaid. I hope that doesn't disappoint too many people. My reserves are low. And I'd like to sparkle and glow like my friend when I think of church again. Right now that seems sort of fanciful.

But who knows...I am only a month away from sabbatical.

"We treat our Interims better than our permanent pastors!"

That quote came from my beloved board chair tonight as we discussed what we should do to celebrate my 7 years of ministry here before I leave. I asked what they've done for other pastors. Turns out... nothing. They've had parties for the interims. But no pastor has ever left this congregation well, so... no precedence.

When I was first started researching the history of this congregation, I realized that one of the most important moments of my ministry would be in my leaving. Maybe that's the way it's just supposed to be for ministers, but especially in this congregation, I have a chance to break a devastating pattern.

The only thing is, a significant part of me doesn't want to have to plan my going-away-activities myself. It seems presumptuous and self-centered until I remember that this really IS incredibly important. This congregation needs to bring something to a healthy close sometime in its history. The time is now and the thing is my ministry, so I guess I'll start planning.

But I think I'll be sneaky. That'll at least be more fun... :)

Awww, shucks...

Thanks, all! I appreciate you sharing the joy with us.

We told the church today. Annalivia is convinced that this is a little girl. She keeps talking about her sister. And does not believe me when I tell her it could be a boy. She was beginning to tell people that we are buying a baby girl after Christmas, so we thought it would be good for them to hear from us. They were all excited and probably doubly thrilled to not have to deal with negotiating maternity leave again! On the way out, one lady hugged me and told me that she hopes it is twins. Another said that since she had three children, I could have three. Another asked how many we are going to have to which another said, "Five" very matter-of-factly...

People are weird.

Whether it wears blue or pink or one of each, we're feeling very blessed right now. If there's one thing the complications of my previous pregnancies have taught us, it's to be grateful for the gift and celebrate from the moment it has been given. So we are.

Thanks for celebrating with us.

Tired babbling

Tonight I am tired. Dano was up last night until 1:30 a.m. flopping around and kicking me. He finally fell asleep and then Annalivia got up early. Ick.

I'm working on a graveside service for tomorrow. The family wanted a graveside service because they thought a funeral service would be too hard for them. They said they didn't want personal stories, but tonight before the visitation they spent an hour telling me things that they wanted mentioned when I didn't have anything to write with! I'm hoping I remember enough of them to make a mini-meditation meaningful. I'm also supposed to sing at the service and my voice is slowly creeping back after last week's sickness. It is not sounding very pretty, in my mind, but I am praying the Spirit will use raspy vocal chords regardless.

After the funeral, we are headed over to hang out with Sublime Aunt and her family. I'm looking forward to letting someone else chase the kiddos around. Then Thursday is my niece's 5th birthday party and Annalivia is going to stay overnight with her daddy at Grandma's house while Daniel and I head home. Dennis will bring her home after work on Friday. This will be her first overnight away from home! (Though Daddy will be there so I'm not sure it counts...) I hope it all goes well.

It is nice to have a busy week, but time seems to be flying by! Dennis and I decided yesterday that we are definitely having movers pack us up as well as move us, so that's kind of a relief to not have to worry about that. We're getting estimates at the beginning of August from a couple of different companies. I'm looking forward to finding out how it all works and figuring out exactly what we need to do in the interim.

At church, the regional minister who will work with the congregation through the transition of me leaving and beyond is going to be visiting the congregation on Sunday. I think my people are highly anxious about what comes next and are not sure about what to do next. I am assuming that she will answer all of their questions, but in the meantime, I'm trying to convince people that panic is not warranted. We've been receiving resumes at church from itinerant interim ministers who are grossly underqualified, in my mind. (Aside -- how do these people find out that I'm leaving?) I have cautioned my people to not give in to desperate-seeking-of-a-warm-body to fill the pulpit. This group needs to get LOTS of work done in the interim if they want to have even a small chance of survival in the future. But it's difficult for them to hear that from me and it is hard to know what ethical lines I'm crossing by trying to influence this process. So my mouth is mostly shut. Mostly.

But on the other side of leaving, I've had some great conversations lately with friends from home. Today I spent an hour or so on the phone with a friend from college. She was the ministerial intern when I was a senior in high school and had a huge influence on me. Now she is back in Eureka, our college town and my hometown, doing ministry part-time and raising kids full-time. It was great to talk to her. I'm so looking forward to renewing old friendships, though as I shared with her, I am feeling rather terrified about renewing the relationship with my home church. It is hard to go home again, church-wise, and what has really convinced me that my home church is where I need to be is that my sister's family and my parents and grandparents worship there. And I have longed for that sort of interaction since I left it. I'm praying that God helps me be a gracious and non-anxiety-inducing presence there. And that I can have some time off. Which means I'll have to let my Messiah-complex take a sabbatical. And those of you who know me, know that this could be one of the more significant spiritual exercises of my life! :)

Anyway -- all of these things -- rumbling around in this head and I should be asleep by now. Perhaps I'll post more cohesive thoughts some day soon! Good night!