31 October 2008

Waiting on...

People who have lots of children always say that each pregnancy is different from the others. They're right. In one way, this one has been a lot easier -- no bleeding, no life-threatening auto accidents, no high-doses of narcotics for months on end... and in other ways it is more difficult. We know a lot less about this baby than we did the others. We elected not to do any diagnostic testing in the early stages, because of scheduling issues, my 20-week ultrasound/ bio-physical profile will actually be when I'm 24 weeks pregnant, and I haven't needed extra ultrasounds. In essence, except for the heartbeat checks my doctor does every month, we haven't seen the baby or seen any measurements or had any assurances. Sometimes it is hard to believe that all is well.
The other thing that is really different is that I keep having all of these low-levels on my bloodwork. My hemoglobin was dangerously low. And my B12 level is such that I will have to have injections if it doesn't turn around in a month. And my folate levels are down, too. I am taking multi-vitamins and now additional folic acid and B12 and iron supplements and liquid chlorophyll and trying to eat decently, but something is just off.
I find myself sort of relieved to know that there are actual reasons for symptoms I have been suffering lately. I have been so tired and sooooo grumpy, irritable and easily overwhelmed. My brain feels like slush lately. And the existing nerve damage from the bone graft site at my hip has been almost unbearable lately. I can only stand a few minutes or walk about a block before that leg is just screaming with nerve pain. Turns out, all of these things can be explained by low levels of hemoglobin or B12 or folate. I'm glad for that.
But I'm left wondering -- how does one get these levels up? I have the prescription supplements, of course, but are there other options that can help? Anyone have any clue?
In the meantime, I think this pregnancy is becoming an exercise in faith in ways the other two haven't. As I said, before, we had independent confirmation every week or two that the baby was ok. Even when I was pregnant with Daniel and healing from the accident, I knew that he was as good as he could be in those circumstances.
This time, I just have to wait. This is difficult for me. I'm not a patient person, generally. But it is a necessary discipline and good for me, in the long run. I must rest. I must trust. I must wait.
Rest, trust, wait. It is a prescription in and of itself. I pray I'm wise enough to follow it.