Tired and also weary, and yes, those are different things

Today was church cleanup day. I did almost jack-squat, having been commanded by my doctor to take it easy for a couple of days on Tuesday, and having milked that comment for all it was worth to get out of a board meeting among other things. I spent the first three hours chasing my child, making coffee and arranging snacks for the other workers. In the last hour I finally picked up a spade and did some edging interspersed with frequent reminders to Annalivia to not go into the street and because I am a big slug, my shoulders hurt from that scant activity. So I'm tired.
And I'm weary. My great-uncle, Jerry, passed away this weekend and on Tuesday, I'll be celebrating his life by officiating at the funeral. Uncle Jerry was a fixture in my life growing up, part of most family parties and always included in the god-bless song, but I never really knew him as an individual in my adult life. I'm sorry that it is only in death that I'll get to know him.
I am, however, honored that my great-aunt Audrey has asked me to celebrate his life and honored that I get to serve my family in this way. I've shared with other clergy that I'm doing this funeral and I've also shared with clergy colleagues that I have verbally contracted to celebrate the lives of my other elderly relatives when the time comes, including my dear grandfather and grandmother. This tends to freak some of my clergy colleagues out and I get little mini lectures about letting go of control, and allowing others to minister to me in my grief and blah blah blah.
I know that these comments are generally motivated out of concern for my well-being, but I don't seem to be able to communicate how this position of celebrant is such a sacred duty -- one that is, of course, very difficult -- but one that is also very important to me. I have been trusted by my family to lift up our beloveds' souls, to hold forth those memories that refract our beloveds' meaning and personhood. It is what I do in my heart and head anyway. To have that recognized by my family and to have them allow me to do it for them when they are unable to do it for each other -- I see that as a real gift from them.
Anyway, this is the first of these occasions and I am weary from last week's funeral and this week's hospital calls and tired from total-lack-of-cleanup and minor prenatal uterine activity, so I'm praying for strength and stamina to be able to perform this very sacred service for my aunt and cousin and the rest of my family and honor Jerry with the words and emotion they are trusting I can.

Friday Five

The RevGalBlogPals have a weekly Friday Five game going. Here are five things I enjoyed this week:
1. Labor day at home in Eureka.
2. A couple of really, really good naps
3. Very nice weather and the discipline to leave the air conditioner off
4. Mighty fine sugar cookies
5. Driving down to school with Dennis last night

You can find other Friday Fives by checking out the RevGalBlogPal site here.

Some realtively unformed thoughts on "literal meaning"

Thanks to another provocative discussion at the CH forums, I have realized that I have a difficulty getting over the word, "literal" when someone says, "I believe the Bible is literal" or "I take the Bible literally."
I know what they mean. They mean -- the Bible is true, inspired, infallible. But the word "literal" is so very difficult here.
The things is, language is, by its very nature, representative, which means that it will ALWAYS need to be interpreted. And though some might argue that, well, yes, of course, language is interpreted, but we all KNOW what words really mean, I would point out that all of us, at some time or another, have misinterpreted the language that is very clearly set before us. How many of us have read an email from a dear friend and missed the humor or sarcasm therein? Or how many of us have read a post by someone we don't know and have inferred something about their character or compassion by their writings?
When it comes to the Bible, I do believe the Bible is inspired by God. And I could even say that I believe that what God inspired is infallible -- without error. I believe it to be unquestioningly true. However, the Bible has been interpreted by fallible humans for over 2500 years. Even if we believe the Holy Spirit gives us the power to interpret, we are still human. We are still imperfect beings trying to glean from language, some of which has been copied and re-copied and translated and re-translated for over 20 centuries, a representation of God, who is beyond all human representation and comprehension.
And this -- this reminder that we can only grasp small glimpses of God in metaphors and representations -- this is what most of all, bothers me about the word, "literal." God simply IS NOT literal. God is beyond literal. God is beyond what humans can possibly conceive of as fact, meaning, truth, exactness, etc.
All of this is absolutely, unequivocally, not to say that the Bible is meaningless. It is FULL of meaning. I would just posit that the meaning is far greater than we will ever, ever, ever understand. God is revealed and is being revealed in our reading of the text, but we will never, ever get to grasp God's fullness until we are Home.
To say that the Bible can be understood "literally" seems to me to imply that we grasping it IS attainable. That if we just study and pray and dig enough, someday, we'll "get it."
What I personally find is that the more I study the Bible, the more I learn about the language, the bigger God seems. The bigger the process appears. The bigger the picture represented by the words. I begin to understand why Paul said, "now we see only in part, then we will see the whole."
So as I've been turning over these thoughts in my head and pondering the nature of this most instructive and revealing of books I think I've realized that, the more I read the Bible, the less and less "literal" it seems to me.
But, of course, that could just be this weirdo...

Recipe: Really good, but not quite "it" sugar cookies

I made some sugar cookies yesterday that were really quite delicious. They aren't, however, what I've been craving. The cookies I've been craving are from a lady in our church who makes these amazing, crumbly, melt-in-your-mouth sugar cookies. She offers to give me the recipe whenever I ooh-and-aahhhh, but she never follows through. Even if I call her and ask her for it, she finds some reason to put off handing down the recipe.
ANYWAY, these cookies are not quite Ruth's but are as close as I've come. I'm going to try adding 1 teaspoon cream of tartar next time and see how that changes the flavor if favor of the recipe in my head. Regardless, these are delicious and very easy and don't even have to be refrigerated, which is great if you are ENFP like me and don't generally plan beyond the end of your nose, let alone 24 hours before cookies are to be baked.

Old-Fashioned Sugar Cookies
3/4 cup butter, softened, but not TOO soft
1 cup sugar
1 egg
1 t. vanilla (or double it or add almond extract or lemon extract -- all delicious)
Cream all together
2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
Mix together and add to the creamed mix.
Either refrigerate, or go ahead and roll into balls, then roll in sugar and flatten with hand or bottom of glass. Bake in the upper half of a 375 degree oven for about 8 minutes. These will spread out quite a bit and the bottom will brown very fast.
Allow to cool for about a minute on the pan, then remove!
Enjoy with milk or hot tea or plain!

Photos, photos, photos

We've had such a good time enjoying this fall weather around here with a couple trips to the park in the last week. Last Thursday, Dennis took the day off so that he could finish a paper and I could do work on a funeral. After I spent the morning at church and he spent the morning with Annalivia, we all went out to the park for lunch.
Here we enjoy an ultra- nutritious lunch.

Annalivia learned how to climb up and down the steps to the play equipment.

Then she learned how to go down the slide by herself. The static on her hair was hilarious.

On Labor Day, Annalivia and I went down to Eureka to give Dennis some time to study. We got to spend the end of Labor Day with the aunts and cousins. This is my youngest sister, Kalin with Annalivia. Kalin is universally adored by her neices and nephews, though she does absolutely nothing to merit such devotion. I try to take pictures of her holding Annalivia whenever possible. I have two such photos. In this one, she's actually smiling.






We met over at Miller Park Zoo in Bloomington and ate Avanti's subs for dinner. Here are cousin Rhys (Marissa's son) and cousin Cleya (Lil's daughter).

We did some playing, too.

Annalivia enjoyed swinging.

The highlight, though, were these stairs that allowed Annalivia to go up AND DOWN them like a big girl. She went up and down about 30 times.

The cousins had a pretty good time together.

And here's Kalin and Rhys being best friends. She really is a great aunt.

Godsecrets

If you want to see some interesting/ challenging/ moving God stuff, check out this blog. There are some good things in there!

Another glimpse of the man I married

On Saturday at a funeral, an older lady in our congregation told me that she hopes that this baby will be a boy and that we'll name him, "Enough."
While I hate comments like that (i.e. 'I hope you're through!' or 'You don't need more than two children!') I haven't really figured out a way to respond to them. I was telling Dennis about this and my dilemma in figuring out how to respond and he said, "Well, I would have said, 'Don't worry. You'll probably be dead by the time we have number three!'"
I guess there's a reason he's not the pastor.

When sensible shoes return

There are a hundred reasons that I am rejoicing that fall is just around the corner, not least of which is that I get to start wearing my comfortable and sensible, yet funkily hip shoes again! My sister Lil discovered these and immediately indoctrinated the sistahs as to their efficacy when it comes to arch support, as well as their hipness. (Lil is very hip. We don't doubt her when she speaks.) Now Marissa and I both have Keens also, and although Kalin is holding out, we know that eventually she'll topple and be dragged into our like-minded shoe-wearing. It's really futile to resist, Kali.
Anyway, it's crazy how I get so excited over the little things, but these didn't really work in the summer months and my feet have paid for it. Today as I kicked out the heels I've been wearing for the last two days, I thought, 'gosh darn it, fall is almost here and the time for socks and funky maryjanes is right 'round the corner! Hurrah!!'
Hurrah, indeed.

Just when you think they've got it all figured out...

They don't.
Isn't it amazing how so many of us spend so much time and effort searching for answers and solutions and tips and tricks and models and methods?
And, inevitably, we find that all along, whatever answer we really wanted someone else to provide for us had to be uncovered or discovered by our own searching and wondering and prayer?
I'm reminded that we are beautifully and wonderfully made and what works for even the dearest sister or brother in Christ, may not be the mold into which we are to be pressed.
Lovely. And frustrating and terrifying, too. But mainly -- lovely.

An IMperfect storm

We had a member of the congregation pass away on Wednesday in the early morning hours. He had struggled mightily for a long, long time tended by a very weary wife. We are all thankful he is Home and no longer in pain.
Having said that, I will now become an insensitive cretin and say that this did not exactly come at a convenient time for me. (FYI, lest you think me a real creep, there's a wedding in his family the day of his funeral and his family and I were all laughing about how this guy seemed to know when the most difficult time for everyone was and always got sick or fell or something right when everyone else needed to put attention elsewhere.)
ANYWAY, things have gotten incredibly busy here. Dennis started a hellish class schedule last week and had his first paper, worth 20% of his grade, due today. I hired a new secretary at church last month and so this is her first time doing the newsletter and since she was trying to be fancy, the whole thing got all messed up. I've had meetings all week and have been trying to do fall planning and don't have a sermon yet for Sunday and now have a newsletter, bulletin, sermon and funeral all to get to done by Saturday evening.
So. I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself and whining about how this was The Perfect Storm -- all things converging to make this week extremely unliveable.
HOWEVER, perhaps only a pastor can appreciate this, but I realized that The Perfect Storm, is not, in fact this week, but would be if all of this happened the week before Christmas when Dennis has finals AND papers due and there are TWO services and three bulletins and a newsletter to get out as well as sermons for the most crucial days of the year, a choir cantata to pull off, presents to wrap and cookies to bake. THAT would be The PERFECT Storm.
In comparison, this is a little rain shower.

Overheard tonight

Speaking of Queen Elizabeth I...

....England's power was never greater and British actresses always had a role to play when they got to a certain age. ~Marge Simpson

Does What Would Jesus Do apply to you, too?

I've got a question for those of you who are in the more conservative camp? When you read scripture, especially in the epistles, do you apply it against the actions and words of Jesus? I guess I'm asking, do you ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?" or does it matter?
I'm wondering this because I think there is a tendency in the liberal mainline tradition to do this, at least where I come from, especially when thinking critically about passages of contention or contrary messages, i.e. passages on the authority of women to teach.
I think my people tend to look to Jesus as the big authority and sometimes disregard Paul as lesser spokesperson, whereas I see a lot of conservative church practice and policy based pretty strongly on Paul and less so on Jesus in these points of contention.
I know it's more complex than this, but am I misreading this? Or is this the way it really is?

Ooooph... that hurts...

From an interesting and very personally resonant article in the New York Times...

For the most part, congregations want a young married man with children, according to research Ms. Lummis conducted in 2001. “The whole demographic image of a pastor had not changed much since the 1950’s,” she said.

Smaller, poorer congregations will hire a woman, but often, only grudgingly, clergy members said.

“When we met with the search committee in Louisville, people on it said to me, ‘We really didn’t want a woman, because we know that we’re dying when we get a woman,’” the Rev. Lucia Oerter said of her experience at John Knox Presbyterian in Louisville three and half years ago.

Ugh. Not sure if anyone would admit it here, but I'd say this feeling is probably pretty close to the surface in Rock Falls, IL, too...

What God calls a girl to be

Recently, we've been having an interesting conversation at the Choosing Home Forums about the role of women in the church, which is complimentary to a conversation carried on that the CH Blog a month ago or so.
What I think is really interesting in these discussions is the idea that seemed to be simmering beneath the surface that God creates women to be wives and/ or mothers and that one of the primary reasons women should not be in church leadership is because women with families are not fulfilling or are compromising their primary role to their families.
This is interesting to me because I think I have always assumed that what God has created us to be first and foremost is servants of Him, not our families, regardless of how noble that idea actually is. The idea that women should only be wives and mothers, is to me, as ridiculous as saying that women should only be attorneys and police detectives.
It is true that the calling to ordained leadership is one of sacrifice and often one of sacrifice borne by the family of the one called. But the calling of helpmeet and mother is one of sacrifice, too, and the family of the one called bears the sacrifices therein, regardless of whether the sacrifices are as obvious as Daddy having to put the Bug to bed because Momma's at a meeting. I would love to stay home with my kids, but I also know that if I get that chance, my poor husband and children are going to have to deal with a wife learning to handle restlessness, seeking ways to engage her brain, and longing for friendship and adult human interaction. And I know that if that's where God wants me to be, we'll figure out a way to deal with it, just like we figure out ways to deal with meetings and hospital calls and funerals.
Isn't all calling, when it comes down to it, about dying to self? Yes, being a pastor means that I have to balance the time I spend online blogging, with the time I spend on the floor playing, with the time I spend researching a sermon, with the time I spend calling my peeps. I often fail at dying to self, but I'm fairly certain that I'll always struggle with it. Because if I am following my God-chosen path whether in motherhood or ministry, won't that always mean I am giving up something ?
Edit to add: Molly actually JUST posted on an aspect of being a faithful woman at her blog. Check it out.

My varied reading material

A couple of months ago, I subscribed to three journals using my book and journal allowance (one of the true perks of being a pastor!) -- Christian Century, Sojourners, and Christianity Today. I got Christian Century because I need to read it, not only to keep up with my colleagues, but also to hear the voice of my religious tradition in a thoughtful, well-edited format. I got Sojourners because I thought it would cause me to think and I got Christianity Today, expecting to agree with hardly any of it, but again, knowing that I need to hear/ read the stuff therein.
What has surprised me is that while I enjoy Christian Century, and Sojourners just ticks me off with its earnestness (is that a word?) the thing I really look forward to reading is Christianity Today.
I don't know if it's because Christianity Today is a voice I don't usually hear so it's interesting to be exposed to it, or whether it's becuase Christianity Today is really, really good at writing engaging articles, or whether it's because the format is really very similar to the news magazines I have always loved, but I have really enjoyed this magazine!
I am also surprised at how much I actually agree with what is said/ written. Perhaps this is because I hang out with the evangelicals online or because I'm learning to read for what I can learn from something, rather than what I can prove to something. Whatever it is, I like it.
I have some colleagues who have been shocked/ borderline- disgusted that I have considered fraternizing with "the others" in this regard (i.e. reading and paying for! their publications). These are the same colleagues who generally launch into loud rants about what "they" do or do not believe/ practice as contrasted with whatever "we" do or do not believe/ practice, which is, of course, far superior. Interestingly, these same colleagues apparently refuse to expose themselves to "their" writings, so I'm not quite sure how these folks have figured out what "they" believe, but y'know... I'm sure they're justified somehow... or not.
ANYWAY, it has been a JOY, an absolute and complete JOY to become informed. I feel like the world is much bigger now and I'm really quite enthralled by how much I don't know. Perhaps I'm getting ready to shake the dust off of Fowler's Fourth. Or perhaps I've still a long way to go...

mp3 posted for Jesus Christ the Apple Tree

At the bottom of the original post here.

Intentional consciousness

Please click here to read about this wonderful idea.

Dennis and I are seriously considering taking part, though we're not sure we'll do all 30 days. I think Tonia's come up with a brilliant way to stand in solidarity with those whom we affluent Christians are all too eager to ignore. This has been on my heart for a while. I'm pleased to begin thinking about doing something constructive with these concerns.

Unpublished symptom of motherhood: Increased sensitivity to darkness

I remember being about five months pregnant with Annalivia when the sensitivity to darkness hit me hard. We had gotten a subscription to Time Magazine with an order of maternity clothes, of all things, and as one who actually enjoys knowing what is going on in the world, I read the first issue pretty voraciously. Skip ahead five hours and you would have found me huddled in bed, sobbing, trying not to let Dennis hear my tears for the child of a murdered mother, the story of whom was detailed in the issue.
I thought it was just hormonal surges for the next three months that had me asking Dennis as he began a tale of current events, "Does this story end well?" before he was allowed to continue, turning off the radio at the sound of any report from the middle East, and avoiding the television after 8 p.m. just in case I stumbled into one of those forensic science or special victims unit shows.
What truly surprised me was that post-partum motherhood, if anything, only made the sensitivity greater. Having actually nurtured another body and shielded another little spirit within my own, it was difficult to hear tales of any human suffering. I remember telling my mother in the first weeks after Annalivia's birth that I didn't understand how women could become mothers and not believe in God; surely if anything turns one to prayer, it is facing the prospect of raising one's children in this broken world.
Since then I've decided that motherhood is not only a breaking apart of one's body to bear another into this world, it is a breaking apart of one's heart to allow others into one's own world. As mothers our lives are not our own and, for the most part, that's a good thing. But it is also difficult. Part of our hearts are always walking around about six feet or six hours or six days from us in the children we love. One can't guard one's heart as well, when one has given it to another. And it is much harder to see others' hearts as expendible when one recognizes another as someone's child and therefore a keeper of someone else's heart.
So as the unavoidable info about the Jon Benet case is published amidst stories of burials for six-month olds in Lebanon and news of the struggles of dear friends dealing with the loss of their little one, I find my heart full and often breaking with this news of darkness. Sometimes it is a struggle to fill the cracks with luminescence again. But then I find myself clinging to my daughter, pressing kisses into her temple, breathing in her scent and letting the sound of her fill my ears. And I pray for the Light to surround us all ... and soon.

"I saw Eternity the other night
Like a great Ring of pure and endless light,
All calm as it was bright ;"
~ from The World by Henry Vaughn

Hilarious Homer

"The Rapture is nigh, Marge, and these books will help me figure out just how nigh. Let's see here, I just need to do some calculations...
404 verses in Revelation
times the number of people at the Last Supper....
....minus the number of Filipinos in the Bible..."

Jesus Christ, the Apple Tree

Today on our way back from Peoria, with a very punky daughter in tow, I stopped at Tanners' Apple Orchard. We were not there to get apples or even peaches. We just needed a place to stop and I remembered that they have goats and Annalivia would be excited by that.
Turns out that the apple orchard has apples! Go figure. They apparently ship them in from someplace that is already harvesting apples. (Where would that be?) One of the other great things about Tanners', aside from the goats, is that they have samples of their wares out for general consumption, so Annalivia and I ate some very crisp, very tart apples slices.
In the process of seeing goats and wandering around the orchard, we happened to get a really good look at an apple tree coming into fruition. I don't actually think I've been near a gorgeous orchard apple for a long time -- since I was a kid, probably. I looked up into these branches, absolutely laden with beautiful fruit, fecund with its offering that is on the precipice of ripeness and I thought about this lovely early American hymn...

Jesus Christ the Apple Tree
The tree of life my soul hath seen,
Laden with fruit and always green:
The trees of nature fruitless be
Compared with Christ the apple tree.

His beauty doth all things excel:
By faith I know, but ne'er can tell
The glory which I now can see
In Jesus Christ the apple tree.

For happiness I long have sought,
And pleasure dearly I have bought:
I missed of all; but now I see
'Tis found in Christ the apple tree.

I'm weary with my former toil,
Here I will sit and rest awhile:
Under the shadow I will be,
Of Jesus Christ the apple tree.

This fruit doth make my soul to thrive,
It keeps my dying faith alive;
Which makes my soul in haste to be
With Jesus Christ the apple tree.

Edit to add: Listen to a setting by Elizabeth Poston here. This is performed by Nova Singers, an amazing group of professional singers in Galesburg, IL with whom I was priveleged to sing for two seasons!

One of the million reasons I love my husband

Last weekend the three of us went for a little drive on Sunday evening. My husband works for Woods Equipment Company and designs and engineers industrial cutters (read "big lawn mowers" for fellow laypeople.) He is also, essentially, a farm boy with a love of tractors and combines and planters and all sorts of things with names I don't really understand.
All of this means that whenever we go someplace where there is an implement dealer, we take a detour through their lots. We drive around and Dennis says things like, "Oh, they've got a Kabutosan R2D2C3PO!" And I nod.
One of our local implement dealers just happens to be next door to the local Super Walmart, so when we go out there Dennis asks, "Mind if I drive through Peabudy's?" So we do. This particular day, we went through Peabudy's and suddenly Dennis stopped the car. They happened to have a competitor's version of something that he is working on and so he jumped out and started fiddling with things on this massive cutter, then came back and asked for a piece of paper and wrote down a bunch of chicken scratches that meant nothing to me.
The whole time I watched him and my heart was just so full of love for him. I love that Dennis knows how to do stuff that I just completely and totally don't understand. I really wish I did because the poor man is never able to talk about his work or his interests with me. I can try to understand, but even if I went to school for a hundred years, I wouldn't be able to comprehend what he can comprehend. He sees the world differently than I do. He sees cause and effect, pieces and parts that fit together to make a whole. And because of that he can understand literally everything.
He's also able to do everything. There's nothing I do that he can't do. Well, except childbearing and breastfeeding, but only because he's not anatomically equipped. Otherwise, I'm sure he'd do a fine job. He doesn't cook, but he could and does when he has instructions to follow and then he does it far better than I. He doesn't like to write, but he certainly could. He could preach every Sunday, if he wanted to do so. He parents with more patience and attention than I. He's just remarkable.
The thing is, I'm not jealous about this. If anything, I love him more for it. I can do what I can do. Not so with Dennis. He can do whatever he wants to do. It's neat to know someone with infinite possibilities -- even neater to be married to and loved by them. If left solely to my own devices, I never would have chosen to be this man's partner for the rest of our lives. He's so much better than me and I've never really appreciated a challenge! But, thankfully, God is much bigger than this girl's imagination.
And so here we are -- me nodding, him figuring out calculus in his head. And I love it.

Perspective

Today I am at my parent's house in Eureka. I came in last night, actually, to participate in a wedding rehearsal. One of the girls who was in my youth group back in Kentucky is getting married today and I'm reading I Corinthians 13 in her wedding. It's neat to be a part of it.

What's not so neat is that I have left my daughter at home. She's with Daddy today and they are getting along great, of course. They love to be together and Dennis is such a good father.

But, I've realized that it is counter to every instinct as a mother to get into a car and leave your child two hours behind you. I know that it probably gets easier over time, but I'd imagine that it's always a process of leaving behind a little part of you when you leave your child. I mean, jeez, going to the grocery store is sometimes hard enough. Overnight... well, it's just not natural.

What this time does afford is a chance to gain a little perspective. I am incredibly blessed to be able to be with Annalivia so much of the time. It is not a blessing that has come without sacrifices, but goodness, are those sacrifices ever worth it! I have friends who send their children to daycare every day. They wake up at 7 and take their children to daycare by 9 and pick them up at 4 and put them to bed by 8. They get to parent their children for about 6 hours a day, if they're really lucky. And for the most part, this pleases them.

Not me. I knew when I was carrying Annalivia that THAT would not work for me. I love that I get multi-hour interruptions to sermon work, that I get to take crayon breaks, that I know when she is mad or frustrated or bored, that I can help change all those moods by playing with her or reading to her or tickling her.

But I don't always remember this. And I need to. I am one incredibly blessed woman. And I'm thankful.

Some crazy videos

Wanna hear possibly the most catchy, and hence, annoying!! song in the world. Click here.
*muttering* stupid song was going through my head literally EVERYTIME I woke up last night... hmph.

Wanna see some folks who are more coordinated that I could ever dream? Click here.

The gap

Between the probable and proved there yawns
A gap. Afraid to jump, we stand absurd,
Then see behind us sink the ground and, worse,
Our very standpoint crumbling. Desperate dawns
Our only hope: to leap into the Word
That opens up the shuttered universe.

~ from A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken

Liturgical liberals de l'heure

Yeah, that was the only way I could get in the alliteration.
ANYWAY, liturgical friends, rejoice! I know most of us have known about Phyllis Tickle for a while, but did you know that you can get the Divine Hours on the computer?
I have set it up as my homepage, as per a recommendation from Ann V. of Holy Experience of Listening at Tonia's site.
These great links were introduced at brilliant Molly's blog. Poor Molly is enduring a bit of a scraping of her outer skin because of this recommendation. If you don't agree with the philosophy/ theology present in the rest of the site, please don't disregard the value of praying the Hours. This discipline has been practiced for centuries. Personally, I think there's a bit of wisdom in the tested and true. See what you think.

The nakey everything bandit

Annalivia learned how to take her diaper off today. It was pretty hilarious -- she'd disappear and I'd hear a thunk and she'd reappear completely naked. This happened three times before I finally put on clothes she couldn't remove.
The thunk was from her throwing it down the basement stairs. Our basement doesn't have a door, just a safety gate. Tonight she has been throwing other things down the stairs. Crayons, canned goods, books, pillows. Fun times at Casa McStew.

As parsonages go...

ours is really quite nice. We live about a mile from the church in a different neighborhood in town and we really do have a lovely backyard complete with two apple trees (though one got split by the last big storm). My mother brought the first improvement after I moved in-- she put in flowers the first spring I was here and bulbs that first autumn. The summer after our first anniversary, my beloved husband built a lovely deck onto the existing cement slab that has made all the difference to our enjoyment of the space. We've added inexpensive patio furniture and a grill over the years (and a whole bunch of weeds in mom's garden, sadly).
Here's the view from our deck.
Today was beautiful and Annalivia and I spent the afternoon in the backyard. Dennis brought in a slide from his mom's house in the country. At first, Annalivia was befuddled by it, but she figured it out and spent almost an hour sliding down and clapping, then running around to slide down again. This photo is of a very pleased little girl.
With the wonders of wireless broadband, I spent the time on my laptop working on church planning.
This weather is such an incredible blessing! Is anyone else just wanting to loll about soaking up every moment of it?

Mid-day munching dilemma

For some reason, I am not good at making lunch. I don't know why. It's not that I can't make a good lunch. I can and VERY occasionally, I do. But most of the time when mid-day arrives and a hungry Little Bug starts squirming for something to eat we do one of three things: go get something someone else has made at some restaurant/ fast food place, heat up leftovers from the night before, or scavenge around eating little snippets of cheese and crackers and fruit and whatever salads we have on hand until we aren't hungry any more.
Hence, I am looking forward to all the great ideas people will post this week at the Choosing Home blog. And to help myself to feel a little better about stealing all the ideas I will find therein, I'm contributing some recipes we use on any given more-organized week around here. Since it is fresh produce time, I have been hungry for salads. These I can make a couple nights before and have on hand. Some require some chopping, or using a mini food processor, but most are pretty easy. So... here are some favorite salad recipes.

Three Bean Salad
1 can kidney beans
1 can great northern beans
1 small package frozen green beans, thawed
1/3 cup olive oil
1/4 cup vinegar (I use raw apple cider vinegar)
salt and pepper to taste
1/2 onion, very finely chopped, optional

Drain and rinse beans and combine in large bowl. In small bowl, combine vinegar and oil and salt and pepper. Pour over bean mix and combine with onion, if using. Let sit for at least 1/2 hour.
This is an incredibly easy and incredibly cheap salad and you can use any different mix of beans
-- lima, black, butter, in addition to fresh green beans that have been steamed a little.

Panzanella (Tomato and Bread Salad)
1 loaf stale or toasted Italian bread
3 T extra virgin olive oil
2 T red wine or balsamic vinegar
4 cups ripe tomatoes, cut into pieces
2/3 cup red or vidalia onion, sliced thinly
1/2 cup fresh basil, cut into long thin strips (roll up leaves stacked up to cut easier)
fresh mozzarella, cut into slices
salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

Soak the onions in a small bowl with cold water and 1 teaspoon salt for an hour, then drain on paper towel.
Cover bread with cold water and soak for about ten minutes. Squeeze out as much water as possible. Crumble the bread into large pieces into a large serving bowl.
Add the tomatoes, onion and basil.
Toss.
Drizzle on the olive oil and the vinegar. Add more olive oil and vinegar, to taste, if you'd like.
Season to taste with sea salt and fresh pepper.
Toss well. Add the mozzarella, if using, around the edge of the bowl.
Garnish with more whole basil leaves.

Spinach Salad
about 1 quart fresh spinach, chopped
3 green onions, chopped
1/2 cup celery, chopped very fine
2 hardboiled eggs, chopped
4 oz. mushrooms, sliced
8 slices cooked, crumbled bacon

Dressing:
1/4 c. vinegar
1/2 c. sugar
1/2 c. water
2 t. cornstarch
grease from bacon

Heat dressing, stirring frequently.
Pour over greens and add remaining ingredients. Serve warm.

Layered Salad
Shredded lettuce
5-6 hard boiled eggs
1 bag frozen peas, thawed and drained
1 head cauliflower, chopped
1 lb. bacon, cooked and crumbled
1 bunch green onions, chopped
2 cups mayo mixed with 1/4 cup sugar
2 cups cheddar cheese
Layer in a nice glass bowl and cover with plastic wrap. Refrigerate for a couple hours or overnight.


Note: The following salads all use my grandmother's mayo mix, which is 2 parts mayo to a 1 part of miracle whip. If you are not a friend of miracle whip, try using another part of mayo mixed with a teaspoon or two of apple cider vinegar and a teaspoon or two of sugar.

Grammy's Tuna Salad
2 cans tuna, drained
1 small onion, chopped finely
2 hardboiled eggs, diced
1 1/2 teaspoon sweet pickle relish
2 stalks celery, chopped, optional
mayo mix (see above)

Combine all the ingredients. Chill. Eat.
I don't have specifics for the dressing mix because every family likes their tuna a little less or more wet than others. Also, even if you hate sweet pickles, try the sweet pickle relish. I detest sweet pickles, but the sweet pickle relish gives this a great flavor.

Easy Peasy Tuna Pea Salad
1 small box small pasta shell
1 can tuna, drained
1 package frozen green peas, thawed (or use fresh)
1 small onion chopped
mayo mix (see above)
salt and fresh pepper to taste

Cook the pasta according to directions and drain. Add drained tuna, frozen peas, and onion. Add enough mayo to make it slightly dry and then add apple cider vinegar to start (start with less than a tablespoon and add a teaspoon of sugar -- you just want a hint of sweetness).

Crab and Cabbage Salad
1 package frozen imitation crab legs, thawed and cut into pieces
1 package prepared coleslaw mix (OR one head cabbage, shredded)
1 small onion, chopped, finely
mayo mix (see above)
salt and fresh pepper to taste

Mix. Eat.

Blessed restoration

Doesn't my title sound like some sort of early 18th century hymn?

Actually it refers to the fact that FINALLY in week 13 some of my energy/ interest in anything other than lounging about is returning to me!

I think I've been helped considerably by the weather which is GORGEOUS!! It has just enough foretaste of autumn to be truly, tantalizingly invigorating in some basic ways.

Today I actually thought about making dinner, but not in the oh-my-Lord-why-do-we-have-to-eat-daily? sort of way I've been thinking about it the last 3 months, but instead in the I-think-I'll-make-dinner sort of way! And sitting out on our deck this evening, I realized that we need to do some work out there so that we can enjoy this late summer/ early fall outside in fresh air as opposed to on the couch as per the last 12 weeks. So Dennis and I have made plans to actually do a little physical labor as opposed to just him doing the physical labor as I recline on the aforementioned couch.

Thank GOD for this restoration, no matter how brief!! I was beginning to think slugdom was going to be a semi-permanent way of life. Glad to see that's not the case!

More thoughts on motherhood

"If you aspire to be a mother, you aspire to a job without pay that is harder than any job you'll be paid for. It's a job with no time off, only time away. [D0] not have children to derive anything from them—not love or joy or fun or a legacy. It is possible that any or all of these may come, but there will be long stretches when little fulfillment is in sight."

"I did not know when we started our family... that each birth would deliver into my arms an immeasurable weight of vulnerability and terror, but I guessed that parenting would bring a profligate, extravagant, others-centered life. As it has. But there has been a kind of death involved, make no mistake. 'Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed,' Jesus taught. 'But if it dies, it produces many seeds.' My ambitious dying life is far from over."

From the article The Case For Kids by Leslie Leland Fields in Christianity Today.

To me, this is the crux of the problem with our modern understanding of motherhood. There seems to be an expectation that one need not give up anything. That children exist to reward us. That we can remain self-focused and self-interested and still be good parents.
I am ashamed to admit that I still struggle to die to self. Through prayer and the mighty acts of God on my heart, I occasionally see glimpses of the seed bearing fruit that nourishes and sustains others. It is SO hard, but even those brief snippets I've seen -- oh my goodness, is it ever GOOD!!

The way a family might be

My friends from "that" side of the religious spectrum will probably have already seen this link at Molly's place, but for those who haven't, here is a great article. I personally, radical crazy fool that I am, think that it's especially important for people on "this" side of the religious spectrum to consider these ideas. No conversion necessary, but read with an open mind, and I guarantee you'll find this article at least pretty provocative.
Reading it and thinking about the way the family is portrayed in our media nowadays reminded me of why I loved Madeline L'Engle growing up. The families of her heroes and heroines were 4-8 children families where siblings respected each other and also made mistakes, argued, and hurt each other. Parents were a team, an imperfect team sometimes, but a team. The table was always a central setting in her stories. Even recognizing that she wrote fiction, I remember wanting all that then. I still want that now.
But, jeez, try to explain this to some of my friends and you'd think I've suggested the possibility of moving to Lebanon. (Actually, that might be more accepted, especially if I went with a peace banner!) The idea of foresaking a brand new minivan and the possiblity of family vacations at Disneyworld and embracing the likelihood of a creaky house, worn furniture and a very used car all of which will serve a happy family of people who love each other more than status or achievement is delusional and most certainly a waste of my extensive and expensive education. That or it's somehow something we are "lucky" to be able to consider because they simply "can't" sacrifice income or comfort.
Hmph.
Well, now I'm just ranting away. Anyway, don't let this deter you. Read the article. Let me know what you think, ok?

Inane but fun quiz

Your French Name is:

Hortense Tremblay

What's Your French Name?

Don't like the first name you get? Play again.

A brief rant

Dear fellow mainline "liberals" -- can we please, please, PLEASE quit implying that those on the "conservative" or "fundamental" side of Christianity are simple-minded, unintelligent, uninformed morons?
And dear evangelical "conservatives" -- can we please, please, PLEASE quit inferring that those on the "liberal" or "progressive" side of Christianity are weak-faithed, untested, unsaved relativists?
Faith is too important, too personal, too essential to keep doing this to each other! Enough already, ok?

Too large a helping of Grace?

I know it's possible to have too much of a good thing. In fact, I think I could be a case study for said principle. But I've been wondering lately about the theology of Grace thanks to marvelous Molly's Grace vs. Law discussion over at her blog. Then brilliant Dawn began dissecting an article about homeschooling, part of which deals with legalism. And I've been reading some other articles and blogs, mostly written by evangelicals/ conservatives which deal with the prevalence of legalism in the evangelical mindset. Through all of these articles, I've realized that (warning: generalization to follow!) tending towards legalism is a problem the mainline church simply doesn't have. In fact, any wrestling with legalism that occurs in our churches is generally from marginalized voices from within who are calling for, well, laws to govern us and our behavior. We manage to squash this dissent, or at least talk louder, by pointing to the love of Jesus and the grace of God and the necessity for Spirit-led living.
But before we pat ourselves on the back and recline in smug self-satisfaction, I think we should examine the possibility that perhaps we have erred on the side of grace. Perhaps too much grace is also not a great thing.
Now I can already hear the roar of my liturgical-dance clad sisters and perhaps, brothers, as they wave their dowel-mounted ribbons and shake their heads in wounded indignation. Too much grace? How could such a thing be possible?
Well, I think however it is possible, we've managed to do it.
Here's how I came to this realization -- Dawn in her blog post mentioned the parable of The Prodigal Son and her past tendency to teach it from the perspective of it being about the wages of sin.
I ashamedly admit that I was shocked! I have never heard that parable taught or preached from that perspective. Literally every time I have heard it, read it, preached it, it has been from the perspective of the father who offers an unconditional and in fact, abundant, pardon. And though, I believe, that is the point of the parable, having skipped over the wages-o-sin aspect of it, I think I have had a much less full understanding of that parable.
Now you may think that I'm the only moron who has ever single-sidedly read this passage of scripture, but I would say in imagined defense of myself that I have studied this parable a lot. I have read it, prayed it, written on it, preached it. I know the offense brought by the son against the father in a historical context. I know the father's right to refuse the son. I know the bones of this parable, but I have to admit, before the last few days, I did not understand the spirit. I had not ever considered the utter failure of this son. I hadn't ever considered the wanton and brazen disregard and disrespect offered by the offending son. I hadn't, in short, ever truly considered the sin.
And, I would guess, there are lots of folks like me in the mainline church. I could be wrong. I am a lot of the time, after all. But my guess is that there are many of us who prefer to skip over sin and get right to grace. We prefer to skip over our fallibility and get to the part about pardon from God. We prefer to skip over our mortality and get to the part about immortality promised by Christ.
But, in doing so, I think we're doing ourselves a big disservice.
Don't get me wrong -- I don't think we need to go full-fledged into wallowing in our sinfulness, especially because our shortcomings can and do become a source of pride. There are plenty of enormous Calvary Fill-in-the-Blank Churches in the world.
No, I don't think God creates us to remain in the pig pen even a short while. But I think we do ourselves a disservice if we don't recognize that that is where we ought to be. We're the ones who have chosen a path other than what God creates us to be. The pigpen is what we deserve.
And here's the crux of the matter -- without realizing and really contemplating what we deserve, we can't fully understand what a gift it is to be elsewhere, namely safe in the arms of our Father.
And that's what Grace is really all about, right? Being safely at Home even though we should still be wandering.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Gramps!!

83 years young and a blessing to us all everyday. We're proud to be your progeny.

(Gramps is the handsome gray-haired gent in the middle!)

When hemmed in...

From The Message:

By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us - set us right with him, make us fit for him - we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand - out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise. There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary - we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! ~Romans 5:1-5

Selfish worry of other shoes

I am so ashamed to admit it, but I am in a nervous funk lately.
I've been hearing about little ones who were born early and mothers and fathers learning to cope with grief rather than joy.
I feel like I'm holding my breath.
I don't know if it's because we had a close call with Annalivia. When I was 14 weeks pregnant with her, I had a hemorrhagea on the placenta. One moment I was fine. The next I was bleeding. The next sobbing. Three days later it stopped and after three weeks of bedrest, I was cleared for activity. And the rest of the pregnancy was relatively unremarkable except that we took nothing for granted.
I am now 12 weeks pregnant and perhaps it's just that looming mark of 14 weeks or perhaps the sympathy for others, but I am not breathing freely these days.
And I do know it is very selfish in the midst of others' pain to focus on hypotheticals.
Yet still I cower, half-waiting for the shoe to drop.

Joy and pain, sunshine and rain

It is amazing to me that this little creature I nurtured with my body and pushed into this world is able to inspire in me deeper joy than I've ever known and more frustration than I've ever thought possible.
It has become my daily prayer that Annalivia will see Momma responding to the joy more often and more completely than she will ever see me responding to the frustration. And I pray I will seek more and more opportunities to delight in her and allow my failures as a parent to be corrected by my Parent.
Because sometimes parenting is the simplest thing in the world, but, my goodness... sometimes it is awfully darn hard.

Oh, Jimmy Mack, when are you coming back?

My best friend, Jimmy, has been gone this week chaperoning his ecumenical youth group on their annual mission trip.
Despite knowing that he is excited to be driving around in some sort of rented gas-guzzling behemoth, I've missed talking to him about the minutiae of my life. Why don't people seem to understand that their lives should be scheduled around that which is convenient for me?
Anyway, I'll be excited to hear that he's back and available at the end of a Sprint cellular connection. Come back already, Jimmy Mack.

Reading while reclining

As I've spent lots of time reclining, I've turned to my old standards and have been re-reading for the billionth time my collection of Madeleine L'Engle. From Meet The Austins, here's one of my favorite quotes.

God is over all things, under all things;
outside all;
within, but not enclosed;
without, but not excluded;
above, but not raised up;
below, but not depressed;
wholly above, presiding;
wholly without, embracing;
wholly within, filling
~Hildevert de Lavardin, 1125

Recipe: Lenders begone

It seems like all my posts are about food lately and I'm not entirely sure why that is, except that I am so tired that most of the time we are home I spend on the couch unless I'm fixing food. Hence the food posts?
Anyway, today's recipe is for wondrous homemade bagels. I LOVE a bagel in the morning, but the kind one can get at the store has corn syrup in them always and corn syrup is murder on my blood sugar level. The store bought kind usually aren't whole wheat, either, but rather mainly white flour with a little wheat thrown in and they're usually pretty big -- far bigger than an actual serving of grains as defined by the FDA.
Anyway, this homemade version is all whole-wheat and all delicious and one can control the size of them. These were much easier than I thought they'd be and though mine were a tad misshapen, they turned out wonderfully and taste SO good. I've had one this morning with green olive cream cheese. Yummmmmm....

Homemade Whole Wheat Bagels

2 cups warm water
1 packet yeast
2 tablespoons honey
1/4 cup olive oil or coconut oil
6 cups whole wheat flour (I used 1/2 pastry and 1/2 a rough stone-ground flour -- next time I'll use almost all soft flour and maybe some ground flaxseeds for crunch)
1 tablespoon salt

Mix water and yeast and honey and let bubble. Then add oil and salt and begin adding flour until you have a stiff dough. Kneed and incorporate more flour if necessary. (Or dump all of this your bread machine after the yeast has bubbled and let it do the work!)
Set dough in a greased bowl and cover and let rise til double (or let bread machine do it). When doubled, punch down and divide into equal parts depending on what size you want your bagels (I made 18 of this recipe. Form each section of dough into a ball, then create a hole in the center with your fingers. (The hole will puff up and close some during boiling, so keep this in mind when making it the desired size). Place on a very well greased light colored cookie sheet and cover and let rest and rise for about 20 minutes.
Sometime during the resting/rising time, bring to boil in a large pot or dutch oven about 6 inches of water with 2 Tablespoons honey added after the boiling has begun. You want this to be rapidly boiling as this will puff up your bagels. When water is rapidly boiling, gently drop in bagels and cook for a minute or two on each side. They will puff slightly and look a little more bagely! Take them out and drain them on paper towels over newspaper. Then place on cookie sheets that have been regreased.
If you'd like, brush a little olive oil on top and sprinkle with kosher salt, garlic, poppyseeds, dried onion, sesame seeds, pepper -- whatever you like. Bake the bagels in a hot (about 400 degrees) oven for about 20 minutes.

Green Olive Cream Cheese
1 package cream cheese (don't get the lowfat stuff- the additives make it less worthy. Really)
3/4 cup or your desired amount green olives without pimentos (I'm not a fan of pimentos -- I suppose you could leave them in, though!)

Chop up olives to desired size -- I like mine in pretty substantial chunks. Soften cream cheese. Mix up. Use now or store covered for up to a week.

Recipe: Boy oh boy bolognese sauce

I have been craving spaghetti sauce for some reason -- and not the stuff that comes from the jar, nor the stuff that comes from our local pizzerias around here which is delicious, but has been cooked for literally hours in lots of salt and thus is a lot better in cold weather than in warm.
What I've been hungry for is something fresh and summery, not too heavy, but also substantial. Oh, it also needed to be ready in the half-hour before dinner time that it occurs to me that we should eat something in the evening!
So here it is -- incredibly easy and wonderful bolognese sauce. Oh my goodness, is this ever good!
Summer Bolognese Sauce
1 lb sausage or beef (we use sausage)
1 onion chopped
lots o' garlic minced
1 can no-salt organic tomatoes (or use fresh if you have them -- they're not ripe here yet!)
1-2 cups organic broth (I use beef, but veggie or chicken would work, too)
2-3 tablespoons tomato paste
about 1/2 cup good red wine (I use Chianti)
Italian seasonings
any other veggies you'd like to hide i.e. carrots, mushrooms, zucchini, squash, chopped, diced, minced or shredded, depending on how well you want to hide it!

Brown the meat and add the onion and garlic toward the end of the browning time. Drain if you have a lot of grease -- we use lower fat sausage so I don't drain it. Add the broth, tomatoes, tomato paste, and wine, if using. Add the seasonings. Bring to a boil, then turn down and let simmer. Taste the mix and see if it is tomato-y enough. Add more paste, if not.
Allow the mix to simmer until reduced to near-desired consistency. Add any extra veggies (note: you can add the tomatoes now instead of earlier, if you like the taste of semi-fresh tomatoes. I, myself, am not a fan). Allow to finish reducing or heat through and enjoy.
Note: This recipe makes a very meaty sauce. You can stretch it a lot by adding more broth and tomato paste or more veggies.

When it would be particularly helpful to have a Gramps around

The list of things I love about my grandfather is far too long to be posted here. Seriously. Blogger.com would overload and shut down if I began to extol all of my grandfather's virtues. So today, I'll extol just one -- the man will eat, (and appreciate!) anything.
Once when I was in junior high, I decided to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies from scratch -- no recipe, no measuring cups, no guidance from Mom -- this was to be completely totally from scratch. I decided it was possible for me to do this because my mother does this all the time with quite a fair degree of success. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen her make a batch of cookies from a recipe, though I suppose it does happen at Easter, but even then only sort of. She never measures anything, always goes by sight and texture, and sometimes taste, but only before the eggs are added. Consequently, mom never makes the same thing twice, but since she's hardly a person for repetition, this is ok and all of us are learning, some of us more slowly than others, to appreciate it.
ANYWAY, I decided to make these cookies and decided to eyeball the baking soda part of the recipe. So I mixed up my ingredients and when it came time to add the soda, I probably added 2-3 tablespoons to a batch of a dozen and a half cookies.
When they emerged from the oven, they smelled wonderful and looked really quite good, though they were, of course, brown on the bottom. Their appearance was deceptive, to say the least. They were terrible! Baking soda is a lovely background flavor, but should never star in a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Never.
Despite the terror that was these cookies, for some reason I packaged them up and took them to my grandfather. Now, the thing to know about Gramps is that not only does he eat pretty much anything, but he also insists that he likes the burned parts of things ("a little brown," as he says) as well as other things considered inedible by others. I don't know if this has evolved as a coping mechanism (because while my grandmother is now THE BEST cook on the planet, she says it wasn't always that way because she truly HATED to cook when they first married) or if he truly likes the yucky stuff.
These cookies were no exception. My grandfather tried them, proclaimed them quite good and even when I tried to throw them out, insisted on saving them.
The reason I thought about all of this today was because I tried to make cookies from scratch again. These turned out really quite well, but they are a little too soft and fall apart a little too easily. Probably I needed to put more flour in them and although they taste very good, they have whole wheat, whole sugar, oatmeal, walnuts, chocolate and white chocolate chips in them and I know Dennis won't devour them like he would if they were just plain white flour, sugar and chocolate chips.
If Gramps were nearby though, I'd have them taken care of. I'd take some over to his house, present the crumbly parts as possible ice cream topping, and we'd be good to go.
Aside from all the other times it would be nice to spend time with him, this is when it would be particularly helpful to have a Gramps around.

Five years and counting

Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of my ministry at First Christian Church, Rock Falls. When I came here, I thought I'd be here for five years and move on. I had it all planned out in my head how it would work -- how I'd leave here and go to a larger church, earn more money, get more recognition from the poobahs, etc, etc.
Five years, a husband, a daughter and a little nubbin later, I have no idea what's next. God has been good over the last five years despite me. So I am here and trying to do the work to which God is calling me both in the church and in my home. That seems like plenty to hold in my head and heart right now.

Recipe: In case of a bumper crop

Somehow, even though we didn't plant a garden this year, we have a bumper crop of zucchini, thanks to the generosity of my sister, Lil, and some church members. Today I was facing eight large zucchini on my countertop. And when I say large, I mean, slightly larger than the dog next door.
Anyway, here is a recipe for soup using zucchini. I have modified it because the original, while tasting delicious, had a texture that would have been great during the winter, but not so lovely now. However, this version is grand and supposedly freezes like a dream. So if you had a deep freezer, you could make this stuff for cold weather and you'd be golden.

Red Lentil, Zucchini and Couscous Soup
1 onion
1 stalk celery
olive oil for sauteeing
6 c. broth (I used chicken, but veggie would be great and beef is good in the winter)
1 c. red lentils
1 t. salt
1/2 t ground pepper
6 big leaves fresh basil
2 large zucchini, cut into bite-sized pieces
4 large carrots, cut in slightly smaller pieces than zucchini
2/3 c whole wheat couscous
1/2 c grated parmesan (optional)

Dice onion and celery and cook in olive oil til translucent.
Pour in broth and add lentils and seasonings. Allow to boil, then turn down heat and cover, allowing to cook at slow simmer for 15-20 minutes.
Add zucchini and carrots and couscous and continue to simmer for 10 minutes.
You may want to stir in the parmesan or add it to bowls or leave it out altogether.
This soup could also take a whole lot of other seasonings, so experiment and enjoy!

How things could have gone

Yesterday was not a great day for the McStews. However, even as I indulge in complaint, I should note that all of it could have been so much worse. And thus I'm extremely thankful.
On Sunday, while at my neice's birthday party, my tooth began a murderous rampage inside my mouth and I started to get a dull headache. Tylenol did not help tooth nor head and by the time we got home, my head was really sore.
During the night I had dreams that someone was hitting my head from side to side and I woke up with a headache that was pounding with each beat of my heart. It hurt so much I couldn't move without incredible pain. I woke Dennis up and had him take my blood pressure because I was preeclamptic with Annalivia and the pounding with my heartbeat really concerned me. My blood pressure was fine and glucose was fine, so I went back to bed, but the pain was terrible.
On Monday morning, I had an appointment with the oral surgeon about this tooth. The tooth was my back right wisdom tooth and it had a large hole on the side where a filling fell out long ago that was exposing the nerve. The doctor was worried about it breaking off, in which case it was likely that he'd have to cut the gum and since I'm pregnant, Tylenol or perhaps Tylenol with codeine, are the only pain relieving options. The doctor said he'd rather wait to pull it, but thankfully, my beloved OB intervened and said to get the darn thing out since it was probably the instigator of the headache.
So the doctor took out the tooth and as it was coming out, it broke off. I had been praying Psalm 30 "O, Lord, I cried out to you for help and you healed me" all morning. The doctor reached for the knife and then said, "Maybe I can tease it out" and grabbed another tool and the rest of the root of the tooth just popped right out. So -- no cutting. And I came home in less than an hour and laid on the couch while Annalivia played.
On his way home, Dennis got into an accident. It was sort of Dennis' fault since he tried to pass a guy who was turning left on the guy's right. Turned out the guy had the wrong turn signal on and he turned into Dennis instead. The guy didn't have insurance and since our car is driveable and technically Dennis was in the wrong, Dennis didn't get the guy's name either. The Capri is banged up, which the real shame, and Dennis was really ticked off at himself, but all of this leads me to...
HOW THINGS COULD HAVE GONE

• This headache could have been blood pressure related, which would have been REALLY bad this early in the pregnancy.
• The doctor could have decided to leave the tooth.
• The tooth could have broken differently and needed cutting.
• Annalivia could have been having a very different day that wouldn't have allowed for a sleeping mama.
• Dennis or another person could have been really seriously hurt.

Like I said, all in all, I'm thankful. Today is a hundred times better and I'm assuming tomorrow will be practically normal.

The birthday girl

On Sunday, we went to Eureka to celebrate my neice Cleya's 3rd birthday. I haven't been able to be at any of Cleya's other birthday parties, so I was really looking forward to it.
Cleya is so sweet and definitely her own little person. She was wearing a little party dress and also struggling with the excitement of it being her birthday and her tendency to be deeply wounded by little things. "I'm feeling really sad," was a frequent refrain, though for no reason obvious to grown-ups or anything that could be articulated by Cleya-bug.
All of it is so sweet to me. My memories of Cleya's mom, Lillia, was of this blithe little spirit who was completely and totally oblivious to anything other than her own joy. Of course, I was 9 at the time Lil was 3 and becoming painfully aware of my own angst, so perhaps all of that is just my memory.
Anyway, it was precious to see a little of this bliss as Cleya opened her presents and it was so sweet to see her get excited by each thing for about 3 seconds before looking for the next opportunity to unwrap something.
After presents, she spent a lot of time guarding her possessions from Annalivia. It was pretty hilarious. Most of the time Annalivia was oblivious to whatever it was Cleya had. She just wanted to be near Cleya. Annalivia would be playing with a balloon in front of Cleya's chair and Cleya would be curled up with her My Little Pony held up over her head just in case Annalivia lunged for it. As the eldest child, I relate strongly to this.
Cleya's getting a little sibling in 7 months. Now THAT will be fun to see.

A girl and her sistahs

When Annalivia was born, I immediately felt the urge to find her a little sister. I was sitting in the doctor's waiting room three weeks after she was born telling my mother that I was ready to have the next one and that I hoped it would be a little sister for Annalivia. (Again, the euphoria sustained me through my exhaustion.) Dennis and I talked even then about how it just seems as though our next little girl is just waiting to come into our family. It has never been as though it is a variable whether she will appear. The only variable is when she will appear.
This pregnancy, I am praying for a healthy baby, but I will also confess that I have prayed that this one will be the little sister for Annalivia. This may seem blasphemous to some and I know full-well that if this baby ends up being a little boy, we will look at him when he arrives and talk about how we can't imagine him being anyone else. And we will love him for who he is.
But, having said that, there is something about having three little sisters that leads me to hope for a sister for my daughter. From my sisters I have learned so much about patience, intelligence, forgiveness and healing, imagination, and of course, love. As we grow older, and I am able to see them more as individuals and less as an extension of myself, I find myself continually being taught how to be a better sibling, a better friend, and a better person.
There was a recent article in TIME the week before last about how siblings shape us that got me thinking about this more. It is kind of amazing to me that the idea that we are more shaped by siblings than by our parents and our spouses is a new idea. From the time we were incredibly young, my parents were telling us that the closest people to us would be our siblings. I remember vividly my mother explaining that the Marissa's DNA was a lot closer to mine than hers or Dad's. I remember the "conversation" Dad delivered as Marissa and I trudged up a hill at Governor Dodge State Park, wherein he explained that the relationships with our sisters were the most important we would ever have and that those relationships deserved more respect than we were giving them on that vacation.
And it's true. Every subsequent relationship I've developed has been judged by what I've experienced with my sisters. Can I laugh with this person? Am I comfortable with this person? Can we have intense intellectual discussion? Can we agree to disagree with minimal hostility? Are they appropriately insane?
I want Annalivia to have a barometer like this, but also to have someone who brings her more joy, more love, and yes, more frustration, than she ever will think possible and who, God willing, will accompany her through the various stages of life long after her father and I return Home.
So, though we will be more than happy to welcome a little guy into our family, we look forward to and pray for the day when Annalivia will lead her little sister through the peonies, whispering in her ear, and holding hands, playing games that neither Dennis nor I will fully understand.
Though my guess is that I'll understand at least a little.

I should mention for the benefit of any sistahs reading this blog that the fact that this photo is of Rissy and me is solely due to the fact that I do not have non-akward photos of the rest of us in this house. Sorry, Kali.

Having never been more tired in my life...

(which is really saying something considering that Annalivia didn't sleep through the night until, well, she doesn't now, actually) I haven't posted any of the things that have been rolling about in my head. I've been taking HUGE 3-4 hour naps with Annalivia and still going to bed before 10 each night. I don't remember feeling this tired at all with Annalivia. Perhaps the euphoria sustained me. Of course, I'd also had four years of decent sleep before I became pregnant with her...
Anyway, sorry to be a slacker. More coming soon, perhaps.

Self-indulgent? self-care

I've been turning over and over these thoughts again and again in my head over the last few weeks, but I'm not sure this is going to come out right...
I've been thinking about the desire for better self-care and wondering if it doesn't perhaps have a tendency to be self-indulgent in a way that is kingdom-irresponsible?
This last month I read again the book Living More with Less which was published by the Mennonite Central Committee several years after the acclaimed More with Less Cookbook. Doris Janzen Longacre authored both books and both are chock-full of information about living responsibly in the world with the resources God has given us. They are not fun to read. I feel my face burning and my gut sinking as I read about the excesses of modern life. I wear a scarlet letter from the first sentences.
Living More with Less reminds the reader that there are a hundred things that we can do every day to be more responsible stewards of our resources from reusing scrap paper and aluminum foil to switching to cloth grocery and lunch bags. There are also less benign suggestions in these books, such as giving up some protein because we have a disproportionately large amount of protein in our diets as first-world citizens or foregoing beauty luxuries because those things aren't available to other people throughout the world.
The idea that part of our role as Christians is to stand in solidarity with victims of injustice appeals to me on a very basic level. I just can't buy into the argument that we here in the first world have all that we have because God has ordained it to be so. It's pretty clear to me that the Bible commands us to worry about and act for justice. And since "justice" is such a laden word, I mean that it is pretty clear to me that God asks us to recognize that the world is not the way that He wants it to be and to work to change it. And the Mennonite assertion is that this begins with each of us and our own actions in how we relate to our families, friends, fellow believers and strangers. Justice is worked out in how I spend my money, drive my car, treat my kids, interact with store clerks, etc. Pretty smart, those Mennonites.
So -- here's my dilemma -- am I being a responsible citizen of the Kingdom in my pursuit for self-care? Is it a good use of my resources to spend money on extra virgin cocount oil or all-natural all-organic face cream? Or is it "worth it" to buy toothpaste without additives that costs twice or three times as much as others or multi-vitamins that cost more than our prescription medicines for a month or essential oils that head us into the hundreds of dollars?
I think, for us, the answer is no. Not right now. Spending the small amounts of expendible cash entirely on us, even if it is in the name of "better health," is not a good use of our resources. And frankly, until we are able to give the amount we wish we could to the places that work actively for justice in the world and still have extra left over every month, I think the answer will be, 'no'. And that's gonna be a while.
There are certain things for which we are going to continue to spend extra money. We're still buying organic milk, though now Annalivia is the only one drinking milk, and we'll continue to get farm eggs from Dennis' aunt because that's helpful to both our family and hers. We're going to continue our recent trend of eating more and more fresh veggies and fruits, but probably only while they are in season, at which time we'll revert to frozen veggies.
And I think we're going to cut back on some things. For example, we're going to be eating less meat (sorry, honey). We're probably not going to go overboard on supplements. The refined coconut oil is not cost-prohibitive and is really good for our skin and cooking, so I'll continue to use that. And I'll continue to take my coral calcium and folic acid while gestating and nursing, but organic/ all-natural shampoo and hair gel and makeup is not in my future, I think, when it costs such a great deal that could be spent elsewhere. Nor is coconut oil as a supplement or any more Perfect Green Foods, at least not during produce season. We're just going to have to do a better getting real nutrition from real foods.
And we're also going to do some things differently. Next summer our goal is to be in a position to house a large freezer someplace in our dwelling. We plan to plant a large garden and live mainly on veggies next summer and freeze away for the fall and winter months. We're also going to be cutting our own intake back a lot and focusing on basic nutrition: vegetables and fruit, carbs and protein in the purest and least expensive form I can find them, which probably means eating a lot of beans and rice in the fall. As you can tell from our photos, we consume way more than our allotted share of this world's resources. Really, that's the first place to start.
In the meantime, I'm going to pray for wisdom in readjusting my attitudes about providing for my family. I am an abundant person and tend to go way overboard with, well, pretty much everything. I like to have the best, though I'm realizing what is best depends on who is doing the judging. I particularly need help in re-evaluating how I see feeding my family. Lots of heavy food has indicated lots of good love to me in the past and I have a tendency to communicate my affection for my beloveds with ridiculously complicated, expensive and calorie-loaded dishes. Longacre's call in Living More with Less to adjust entertaining and hospitality to be more about companionship (and yes, I know the etymological foundations of that word) than cuisine is very much resonating with me.
And finally, though it probably won't make me any more friends, I think I'm going to remind folks very gently that there is a difference between self-care and self-indulgence. And focusing on self, self, self, often leads us down the path of self-destruction, even as we seek self-preservation.
Well, that's enough of my ramblings for now. Bet you're all glad I'm back from vaca, eh?

Napping made clear

Well, apparently the reason I napped all day was so I could be up all night with a toothache. It's now after 2 and I'm up for the nth time. Guess I'll call the oral surgeon tomorrow and beg for a bump on my appointment. Ugh.

Vacation from vacation

We came home early last night from Eureka and missed the finale of our July 4 celebration by skipping the fireworks at Eureka Lake. We were tired and I wasn't feeling really great and frankly, the thought of sleeping in our own beds was a stronger pull than seeing sparkly patriotic remembrances, so we headed north.
It was good to celebrate Mama's 60th birthday, good to spend time with the family, good to see the small town parade, good to have a break from being home.
But it's just really good to be home again.
This morning, Dennis woke up with Annalivia and I slept in til 10. Then we worked on cleaning up the back bedroom for friends to come visit on Friday. Then Annalivia and I laid down and we took a big 2 hour nap. Then we sent a slightly disgruntled bug who needed a change of scenery out to visit her grandmother who was suffering from not seeing her for a week and Dennis and I went to a movie and had dinner together to celebrate our anniversary a day late. All of which was lovely.
So today we've had a vacation from vacation. And tomorrow, since I'm technically off-work until Saturday, I'm going to spend the day working at home -- organizing and doing some long-overdue deep-cleaning and taking another nap, probably.
And since it's 9:00, I think I'll go to bed early tonight too. No use ruining the streak.

Possibilities

You are my one true love,
Today I come to you to be your wife.
All that I am and all that I have,
I will gladly share with you.
I promise to accept you for the person you have been,
love you for the person you are,
and help you to grow into the person God wants you to be.
These things I promise to you now,
and each day, for the rest of our lives. ~4 July 2003

He had no possibilities. His glasses were too thick. His speech too unrefined. His education too simple. His mother too needy.
He was unworthy, I thought. Expendible.
He knew differently.
Within 5 days I realized I could love him forever. Within 12 days I knew I would.
Now I think if there is one who is unworthy, it is not him. He is far more generous, more loving, more giving, more creative, more intelligent, more understanding, more industrious, more clever than I can ever hope to be.
With him there is passion and joy and security and desire and contentment and love and, and, and... deeper than I ever knew possible.
With him, there are possibilities I could never have imagined.
I know differently now, too. This man is exactly the one my heart yearned to love.
And for some crazy reason, he loves me, too.
I love you so much, my love. Happy anniversary.

River reverie

We've been enjoying hanging out with my dear friend, Annalivia's godfather, Jimmy, at the parsonage in Louisiana, MO. Lovely historic river town, grand homes, wonderful company, fine food, etc. We are enjoying sitting around in the sunshine with feet in kiddie pools, splashing around the marina kiddie pool, and taking lovely drives along the Mississippi. It is just lovely and our first real vacation since May of two years ago. We're long overdue and enjoying most every minute, so more interesting posts will be coming later!

A dubious fellow

I don't think I believe Enrique on PBS' Dragon Tales. One day he's from Colombia (should be said with a Columbian accent.) The next he's referencing murals in Puerto Rico. One day he's teaching Emmy and Max songs about hot chocolate in Espanol. The next he just so happens to know Ord's dragon painting song sung because it's supposedly sung by his abuelita.
I'm not falling for it. It seems to me that he's a too convenient, all-purpose Hispanic character. Has he ever even been to Colombia? How come he never references drug cartels or the overwhelming problems with poverty? And if he knows about hot chocolate how come says he's never seen snow?
It's all a little too convenient, if you ask me. I'm keeping my eye on that Enrique.

Doh

Ok, well, I owe some of you a rather extensive apology because I've not been languishing in post-dental-procedure pain this week. Turns out that my dentist won't extract teeth from a pregnant woman, though this pregnant woman didn't find that out til I was in the chair and sufficiently steeled to face major dental angst. Turns out that the dentist refers pregnant woman to an oral surgeon instead and that the oral surgeon is terribly busy and important and cannot possibly fit me in until mid-July which gives me plenty of time to steel myself for both dental and insurance co-pay angst.
So, the reason I've been observing the requested reprieve is five-fold, at least.

1. I'm punky
2. I'm really bloody tired
3. A toothache, insulin-induced hypoglycemia and progesterone cream have created a distinctly moody and quite unattractive version of me
   
4. I've been feeling quite sorry for myself
5. I've not really much to say other than *big sigh* "Poooooooor meeeee!" *swooning*

So again, many apologies for those of you who have actually been praying for me and my teeth i.e. Dawn. I so appreciate your concern. This is when I wish I had one of those little emoticons who blush. Doh.

Recipe: Favorite bread, soaked

The other day, Annalivia and I accompanied Dennis to the Quad Cities and while he was in class, we went to a hoighty-toighty grocery store in Iowa. I was so excited to see that this grocery store had a wheat mill to grind one's own flour! (The extra dollar tacked onto the price of everything in the store must cover the cost of the mill).
Anyway, I ground my own hard white winter wheat and came home to try it in bread. It's amazing how different fresh flour smells! That in and of itself should tell me something.
The end product of this recipe experiment, aided by the info Dawn posted about soaking bread on her site, prompted me to go get more fresh-ground flour yesterday. So, this recipe, which I used to make only at the holidays, has now had two trials in its soaked form and is wonderful, and has thus become everyday bread for us.

Honey Oatmeal Bread
2 cups buttermilk or yogurt
6 1/2 cups whole grain flour (I use 5 cups whole wheat and 1 1/2 spelt)
1 c. oats
Combine and allow to sit overnight.

The next day combine:
1/4 c water
1/4 c honey
1 T yeast
Allow to bubble

Mix in separate dish:
1/3 c melted butter
1/4 c honey
2 t salt

Add the yeast mix and the butter to the flour mix
Add:
2 eggs, slightly beaten

Mix it all up. Knead in another cup of flour (again, I use spelt) if necessary.
Allow to rise til double, then punch down and form into two loaves (if using loaf pans, grease/ butter well). Gently slash the tops and allow to rise til double again.
Combine 1 T water and egg white before baking and brush tops. Then sprinkle with oats. Or you can use butter and sprinkle with oats. Or leave it unsprinkled.
Bake at 375 for about 35 minutes. Remove from pans to cool. You can brush with oil again, if you like a softer crust.

Begging a reprieve

We had a wonderful resurrection celebration for the beloved church member who passed away this weekend, but at the risk of being way too whiny, it has been four days of really deeply emotional shepherding for me. And tomorrow I'm having teeth pulled, so I am going to extend my apologies now for frivolous or non-existent posts. I appreciate so much your comments and I promise I will emerge sometime this week, hopefully with clarity and some small insights to offer. Many blessings, friends!