Perspective

Today I am at my parent's house in Eureka. I came in last night, actually, to participate in a wedding rehearsal. One of the girls who was in my youth group back in Kentucky is getting married today and I'm reading I Corinthians 13 in her wedding. It's neat to be a part of it.

What's not so neat is that I have left my daughter at home. She's with Daddy today and they are getting along great, of course. They love to be together and Dennis is such a good father.

But, I've realized that it is counter to every instinct as a mother to get into a car and leave your child two hours behind you. I know that it probably gets easier over time, but I'd imagine that it's always a process of leaving behind a little part of you when you leave your child. I mean, jeez, going to the grocery store is sometimes hard enough. Overnight... well, it's just not natural.

What this time does afford is a chance to gain a little perspective. I am incredibly blessed to be able to be with Annalivia so much of the time. It is not a blessing that has come without sacrifices, but goodness, are those sacrifices ever worth it! I have friends who send their children to daycare every day. They wake up at 7 and take their children to daycare by 9 and pick them up at 4 and put them to bed by 8. They get to parent their children for about 6 hours a day, if they're really lucky. And for the most part, this pleases them.

Not me. I knew when I was carrying Annalivia that THAT would not work for me. I love that I get multi-hour interruptions to sermon work, that I get to take crayon breaks, that I know when she is mad or frustrated or bored, that I can help change all those moods by playing with her or reading to her or tickling her.

But I don't always remember this. And I need to. I am one incredibly blessed woman. And I'm thankful.

Some crazy videos

Wanna hear possibly the most catchy, and hence, annoying!! song in the world. Click here.
*muttering* stupid song was going through my head literally EVERYTIME I woke up last night... hmph.

Wanna see some folks who are more coordinated that I could ever dream? Click here.

The gap

Between the probable and proved there yawns
A gap. Afraid to jump, we stand absurd,
Then see behind us sink the ground and, worse,
Our very standpoint crumbling. Desperate dawns
Our only hope: to leap into the Word
That opens up the shuttered universe.

~ from A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken

Liturgical liberals de l'heure

Yeah, that was the only way I could get in the alliteration.
ANYWAY, liturgical friends, rejoice! I know most of us have known about Phyllis Tickle for a while, but did you know that you can get the Divine Hours on the computer?
I have set it up as my homepage, as per a recommendation from Ann V. of Holy Experience of Listening at Tonia's site.
These great links were introduced at brilliant Molly's blog. Poor Molly is enduring a bit of a scraping of her outer skin because of this recommendation. If you don't agree with the philosophy/ theology present in the rest of the site, please don't disregard the value of praying the Hours. This discipline has been practiced for centuries. Personally, I think there's a bit of wisdom in the tested and true. See what you think.

The nakey everything bandit

Annalivia learned how to take her diaper off today. It was pretty hilarious -- she'd disappear and I'd hear a thunk and she'd reappear completely naked. This happened three times before I finally put on clothes she couldn't remove.
The thunk was from her throwing it down the basement stairs. Our basement doesn't have a door, just a safety gate. Tonight she has been throwing other things down the stairs. Crayons, canned goods, books, pillows. Fun times at Casa McStew.

As parsonages go...

ours is really quite nice. We live about a mile from the church in a different neighborhood in town and we really do have a lovely backyard complete with two apple trees (though one got split by the last big storm). My mother brought the first improvement after I moved in-- she put in flowers the first spring I was here and bulbs that first autumn. The summer after our first anniversary, my beloved husband built a lovely deck onto the existing cement slab that has made all the difference to our enjoyment of the space. We've added inexpensive patio furniture and a grill over the years (and a whole bunch of weeds in mom's garden, sadly).
Here's the view from our deck.
Today was beautiful and Annalivia and I spent the afternoon in the backyard. Dennis brought in a slide from his mom's house in the country. At first, Annalivia was befuddled by it, but she figured it out and spent almost an hour sliding down and clapping, then running around to slide down again. This photo is of a very pleased little girl.
With the wonders of wireless broadband, I spent the time on my laptop working on church planning.
This weather is such an incredible blessing! Is anyone else just wanting to loll about soaking up every moment of it?

Mid-day munching dilemma

For some reason, I am not good at making lunch. I don't know why. It's not that I can't make a good lunch. I can and VERY occasionally, I do. But most of the time when mid-day arrives and a hungry Little Bug starts squirming for something to eat we do one of three things: go get something someone else has made at some restaurant/ fast food place, heat up leftovers from the night before, or scavenge around eating little snippets of cheese and crackers and fruit and whatever salads we have on hand until we aren't hungry any more.
Hence, I am looking forward to all the great ideas people will post this week at the Choosing Home blog. And to help myself to feel a little better about stealing all the ideas I will find therein, I'm contributing some recipes we use on any given more-organized week around here. Since it is fresh produce time, I have been hungry for salads. These I can make a couple nights before and have on hand. Some require some chopping, or using a mini food processor, but most are pretty easy. So... here are some favorite salad recipes.

Three Bean Salad
1 can kidney beans
1 can great northern beans
1 small package frozen green beans, thawed
1/3 cup olive oil
1/4 cup vinegar (I use raw apple cider vinegar)
salt and pepper to taste
1/2 onion, very finely chopped, optional

Drain and rinse beans and combine in large bowl. In small bowl, combine vinegar and oil and salt and pepper. Pour over bean mix and combine with onion, if using. Let sit for at least 1/2 hour.
This is an incredibly easy and incredibly cheap salad and you can use any different mix of beans
-- lima, black, butter, in addition to fresh green beans that have been steamed a little.

Panzanella (Tomato and Bread Salad)
1 loaf stale or toasted Italian bread
3 T extra virgin olive oil
2 T red wine or balsamic vinegar
4 cups ripe tomatoes, cut into pieces
2/3 cup red or vidalia onion, sliced thinly
1/2 cup fresh basil, cut into long thin strips (roll up leaves stacked up to cut easier)
fresh mozzarella, cut into slices
salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

Soak the onions in a small bowl with cold water and 1 teaspoon salt for an hour, then drain on paper towel.
Cover bread with cold water and soak for about ten minutes. Squeeze out as much water as possible. Crumble the bread into large pieces into a large serving bowl.
Add the tomatoes, onion and basil.
Toss.
Drizzle on the olive oil and the vinegar. Add more olive oil and vinegar, to taste, if you'd like.
Season to taste with sea salt and fresh pepper.
Toss well. Add the mozzarella, if using, around the edge of the bowl.
Garnish with more whole basil leaves.

Spinach Salad
about 1 quart fresh spinach, chopped
3 green onions, chopped
1/2 cup celery, chopped very fine
2 hardboiled eggs, chopped
4 oz. mushrooms, sliced
8 slices cooked, crumbled bacon

Dressing:
1/4 c. vinegar
1/2 c. sugar
1/2 c. water
2 t. cornstarch
grease from bacon

Heat dressing, stirring frequently.
Pour over greens and add remaining ingredients. Serve warm.

Layered Salad
Shredded lettuce
5-6 hard boiled eggs
1 bag frozen peas, thawed and drained
1 head cauliflower, chopped
1 lb. bacon, cooked and crumbled
1 bunch green onions, chopped
2 cups mayo mixed with 1/4 cup sugar
2 cups cheddar cheese
Layer in a nice glass bowl and cover with plastic wrap. Refrigerate for a couple hours or overnight.


Note: The following salads all use my grandmother's mayo mix, which is 2 parts mayo to a 1 part of miracle whip. If you are not a friend of miracle whip, try using another part of mayo mixed with a teaspoon or two of apple cider vinegar and a teaspoon or two of sugar.

Grammy's Tuna Salad
2 cans tuna, drained
1 small onion, chopped finely
2 hardboiled eggs, diced
1 1/2 teaspoon sweet pickle relish
2 stalks celery, chopped, optional
mayo mix (see above)

Combine all the ingredients. Chill. Eat.
I don't have specifics for the dressing mix because every family likes their tuna a little less or more wet than others. Also, even if you hate sweet pickles, try the sweet pickle relish. I detest sweet pickles, but the sweet pickle relish gives this a great flavor.

Easy Peasy Tuna Pea Salad
1 small box small pasta shell
1 can tuna, drained
1 package frozen green peas, thawed (or use fresh)
1 small onion chopped
mayo mix (see above)
salt and fresh pepper to taste

Cook the pasta according to directions and drain. Add drained tuna, frozen peas, and onion. Add enough mayo to make it slightly dry and then add apple cider vinegar to start (start with less than a tablespoon and add a teaspoon of sugar -- you just want a hint of sweetness).

Crab and Cabbage Salad
1 package frozen imitation crab legs, thawed and cut into pieces
1 package prepared coleslaw mix (OR one head cabbage, shredded)
1 small onion, chopped, finely
mayo mix (see above)
salt and fresh pepper to taste

Mix. Eat.

Blessed restoration

Doesn't my title sound like some sort of early 18th century hymn?

Actually it refers to the fact that FINALLY in week 13 some of my energy/ interest in anything other than lounging about is returning to me!

I think I've been helped considerably by the weather which is GORGEOUS!! It has just enough foretaste of autumn to be truly, tantalizingly invigorating in some basic ways.

Today I actually thought about making dinner, but not in the oh-my-Lord-why-do-we-have-to-eat-daily? sort of way I've been thinking about it the last 3 months, but instead in the I-think-I'll-make-dinner sort of way! And sitting out on our deck this evening, I realized that we need to do some work out there so that we can enjoy this late summer/ early fall outside in fresh air as opposed to on the couch as per the last 12 weeks. So Dennis and I have made plans to actually do a little physical labor as opposed to just him doing the physical labor as I recline on the aforementioned couch.

Thank GOD for this restoration, no matter how brief!! I was beginning to think slugdom was going to be a semi-permanent way of life. Glad to see that's not the case!

More thoughts on motherhood

"If you aspire to be a mother, you aspire to a job without pay that is harder than any job you'll be paid for. It's a job with no time off, only time away. [D0] not have children to derive anything from them—not love or joy or fun or a legacy. It is possible that any or all of these may come, but there will be long stretches when little fulfillment is in sight."

"I did not know when we started our family... that each birth would deliver into my arms an immeasurable weight of vulnerability and terror, but I guessed that parenting would bring a profligate, extravagant, others-centered life. As it has. But there has been a kind of death involved, make no mistake. 'Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed,' Jesus taught. 'But if it dies, it produces many seeds.' My ambitious dying life is far from over."

From the article The Case For Kids by Leslie Leland Fields in Christianity Today.

To me, this is the crux of the problem with our modern understanding of motherhood. There seems to be an expectation that one need not give up anything. That children exist to reward us. That we can remain self-focused and self-interested and still be good parents.
I am ashamed to admit that I still struggle to die to self. Through prayer and the mighty acts of God on my heart, I occasionally see glimpses of the seed bearing fruit that nourishes and sustains others. It is SO hard, but even those brief snippets I've seen -- oh my goodness, is it ever GOOD!!

The way a family might be

My friends from "that" side of the religious spectrum will probably have already seen this link at Molly's place, but for those who haven't, here is a great article. I personally, radical crazy fool that I am, think that it's especially important for people on "this" side of the religious spectrum to consider these ideas. No conversion necessary, but read with an open mind, and I guarantee you'll find this article at least pretty provocative.
Reading it and thinking about the way the family is portrayed in our media nowadays reminded me of why I loved Madeline L'Engle growing up. The families of her heroes and heroines were 4-8 children families where siblings respected each other and also made mistakes, argued, and hurt each other. Parents were a team, an imperfect team sometimes, but a team. The table was always a central setting in her stories. Even recognizing that she wrote fiction, I remember wanting all that then. I still want that now.
But, jeez, try to explain this to some of my friends and you'd think I've suggested the possibility of moving to Lebanon. (Actually, that might be more accepted, especially if I went with a peace banner!) The idea of foresaking a brand new minivan and the possiblity of family vacations at Disneyworld and embracing the likelihood of a creaky house, worn furniture and a very used car all of which will serve a happy family of people who love each other more than status or achievement is delusional and most certainly a waste of my extensive and expensive education. That or it's somehow something we are "lucky" to be able to consider because they simply "can't" sacrifice income or comfort.
Hmph.
Well, now I'm just ranting away. Anyway, don't let this deter you. Read the article. Let me know what you think, ok?

Inane but fun quiz

Your French Name is:

Hortense Tremblay

What's Your French Name?

Don't like the first name you get? Play again.

A brief rant

Dear fellow mainline "liberals" -- can we please, please, PLEASE quit implying that those on the "conservative" or "fundamental" side of Christianity are simple-minded, unintelligent, uninformed morons?
And dear evangelical "conservatives" -- can we please, please, PLEASE quit inferring that those on the "liberal" or "progressive" side of Christianity are weak-faithed, untested, unsaved relativists?
Faith is too important, too personal, too essential to keep doing this to each other! Enough already, ok?

Too large a helping of Grace?

I know it's possible to have too much of a good thing. In fact, I think I could be a case study for said principle. But I've been wondering lately about the theology of Grace thanks to marvelous Molly's Grace vs. Law discussion over at her blog. Then brilliant Dawn began dissecting an article about homeschooling, part of which deals with legalism. And I've been reading some other articles and blogs, mostly written by evangelicals/ conservatives which deal with the prevalence of legalism in the evangelical mindset. Through all of these articles, I've realized that (warning: generalization to follow!) tending towards legalism is a problem the mainline church simply doesn't have. In fact, any wrestling with legalism that occurs in our churches is generally from marginalized voices from within who are calling for, well, laws to govern us and our behavior. We manage to squash this dissent, or at least talk louder, by pointing to the love of Jesus and the grace of God and the necessity for Spirit-led living.
But before we pat ourselves on the back and recline in smug self-satisfaction, I think we should examine the possibility that perhaps we have erred on the side of grace. Perhaps too much grace is also not a great thing.
Now I can already hear the roar of my liturgical-dance clad sisters and perhaps, brothers, as they wave their dowel-mounted ribbons and shake their heads in wounded indignation. Too much grace? How could such a thing be possible?
Well, I think however it is possible, we've managed to do it.
Here's how I came to this realization -- Dawn in her blog post mentioned the parable of The Prodigal Son and her past tendency to teach it from the perspective of it being about the wages of sin.
I ashamedly admit that I was shocked! I have never heard that parable taught or preached from that perspective. Literally every time I have heard it, read it, preached it, it has been from the perspective of the father who offers an unconditional and in fact, abundant, pardon. And though, I believe, that is the point of the parable, having skipped over the wages-o-sin aspect of it, I think I have had a much less full understanding of that parable.
Now you may think that I'm the only moron who has ever single-sidedly read this passage of scripture, but I would say in imagined defense of myself that I have studied this parable a lot. I have read it, prayed it, written on it, preached it. I know the offense brought by the son against the father in a historical context. I know the father's right to refuse the son. I know the bones of this parable, but I have to admit, before the last few days, I did not understand the spirit. I had not ever considered the utter failure of this son. I hadn't ever considered the wanton and brazen disregard and disrespect offered by the offending son. I hadn't, in short, ever truly considered the sin.
And, I would guess, there are lots of folks like me in the mainline church. I could be wrong. I am a lot of the time, after all. But my guess is that there are many of us who prefer to skip over sin and get right to grace. We prefer to skip over our fallibility and get to the part about pardon from God. We prefer to skip over our mortality and get to the part about immortality promised by Christ.
But, in doing so, I think we're doing ourselves a big disservice.
Don't get me wrong -- I don't think we need to go full-fledged into wallowing in our sinfulness, especially because our shortcomings can and do become a source of pride. There are plenty of enormous Calvary Fill-in-the-Blank Churches in the world.
No, I don't think God creates us to remain in the pig pen even a short while. But I think we do ourselves a disservice if we don't recognize that that is where we ought to be. We're the ones who have chosen a path other than what God creates us to be. The pigpen is what we deserve.
And here's the crux of the matter -- without realizing and really contemplating what we deserve, we can't fully understand what a gift it is to be elsewhere, namely safe in the arms of our Father.
And that's what Grace is really all about, right? Being safely at Home even though we should still be wandering.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Gramps!!

83 years young and a blessing to us all everyday. We're proud to be your progeny.

(Gramps is the handsome gray-haired gent in the middle!)

When hemmed in...

From The Message:

By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us - set us right with him, make us fit for him - we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand - out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise. There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary - we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! ~Romans 5:1-5

Selfish worry of other shoes

I am so ashamed to admit it, but I am in a nervous funk lately.
I've been hearing about little ones who were born early and mothers and fathers learning to cope with grief rather than joy.
I feel like I'm holding my breath.
I don't know if it's because we had a close call with Annalivia. When I was 14 weeks pregnant with her, I had a hemorrhagea on the placenta. One moment I was fine. The next I was bleeding. The next sobbing. Three days later it stopped and after three weeks of bedrest, I was cleared for activity. And the rest of the pregnancy was relatively unremarkable except that we took nothing for granted.
I am now 12 weeks pregnant and perhaps it's just that looming mark of 14 weeks or perhaps the sympathy for others, but I am not breathing freely these days.
And I do know it is very selfish in the midst of others' pain to focus on hypotheticals.
Yet still I cower, half-waiting for the shoe to drop.

Joy and pain, sunshine and rain

It is amazing to me that this little creature I nurtured with my body and pushed into this world is able to inspire in me deeper joy than I've ever known and more frustration than I've ever thought possible.
It has become my daily prayer that Annalivia will see Momma responding to the joy more often and more completely than she will ever see me responding to the frustration. And I pray I will seek more and more opportunities to delight in her and allow my failures as a parent to be corrected by my Parent.
Because sometimes parenting is the simplest thing in the world, but, my goodness... sometimes it is awfully darn hard.

Oh, Jimmy Mack, when are you coming back?

My best friend, Jimmy, has been gone this week chaperoning his ecumenical youth group on their annual mission trip.
Despite knowing that he is excited to be driving around in some sort of rented gas-guzzling behemoth, I've missed talking to him about the minutiae of my life. Why don't people seem to understand that their lives should be scheduled around that which is convenient for me?
Anyway, I'll be excited to hear that he's back and available at the end of a Sprint cellular connection. Come back already, Jimmy Mack.

Reading while reclining

As I've spent lots of time reclining, I've turned to my old standards and have been re-reading for the billionth time my collection of Madeleine L'Engle. From Meet The Austins, here's one of my favorite quotes.

God is over all things, under all things;
outside all;
within, but not enclosed;
without, but not excluded;
above, but not raised up;
below, but not depressed;
wholly above, presiding;
wholly without, embracing;
wholly within, filling
~Hildevert de Lavardin, 1125

Recipe: Lenders begone

It seems like all my posts are about food lately and I'm not entirely sure why that is, except that I am so tired that most of the time we are home I spend on the couch unless I'm fixing food. Hence the food posts?
Anyway, today's recipe is for wondrous homemade bagels. I LOVE a bagel in the morning, but the kind one can get at the store has corn syrup in them always and corn syrup is murder on my blood sugar level. The store bought kind usually aren't whole wheat, either, but rather mainly white flour with a little wheat thrown in and they're usually pretty big -- far bigger than an actual serving of grains as defined by the FDA.
Anyway, this homemade version is all whole-wheat and all delicious and one can control the size of them. These were much easier than I thought they'd be and though mine were a tad misshapen, they turned out wonderfully and taste SO good. I've had one this morning with green olive cream cheese. Yummmmmm....

Homemade Whole Wheat Bagels

2 cups warm water
1 packet yeast
2 tablespoons honey
1/4 cup olive oil or coconut oil
6 cups whole wheat flour (I used 1/2 pastry and 1/2 a rough stone-ground flour -- next time I'll use almost all soft flour and maybe some ground flaxseeds for crunch)
1 tablespoon salt

Mix water and yeast and honey and let bubble. Then add oil and salt and begin adding flour until you have a stiff dough. Kneed and incorporate more flour if necessary. (Or dump all of this your bread machine after the yeast has bubbled and let it do the work!)
Set dough in a greased bowl and cover and let rise til double (or let bread machine do it). When doubled, punch down and divide into equal parts depending on what size you want your bagels (I made 18 of this recipe. Form each section of dough into a ball, then create a hole in the center with your fingers. (The hole will puff up and close some during boiling, so keep this in mind when making it the desired size). Place on a very well greased light colored cookie sheet and cover and let rest and rise for about 20 minutes.
Sometime during the resting/rising time, bring to boil in a large pot or dutch oven about 6 inches of water with 2 Tablespoons honey added after the boiling has begun. You want this to be rapidly boiling as this will puff up your bagels. When water is rapidly boiling, gently drop in bagels and cook for a minute or two on each side. They will puff slightly and look a little more bagely! Take them out and drain them on paper towels over newspaper. Then place on cookie sheets that have been regreased.
If you'd like, brush a little olive oil on top and sprinkle with kosher salt, garlic, poppyseeds, dried onion, sesame seeds, pepper -- whatever you like. Bake the bagels in a hot (about 400 degrees) oven for about 20 minutes.

Green Olive Cream Cheese
1 package cream cheese (don't get the lowfat stuff- the additives make it less worthy. Really)
3/4 cup or your desired amount green olives without pimentos (I'm not a fan of pimentos -- I suppose you could leave them in, though!)

Chop up olives to desired size -- I like mine in pretty substantial chunks. Soften cream cheese. Mix up. Use now or store covered for up to a week.

Recipe: Boy oh boy bolognese sauce

I have been craving spaghetti sauce for some reason -- and not the stuff that comes from the jar, nor the stuff that comes from our local pizzerias around here which is delicious, but has been cooked for literally hours in lots of salt and thus is a lot better in cold weather than in warm.
What I've been hungry for is something fresh and summery, not too heavy, but also substantial. Oh, it also needed to be ready in the half-hour before dinner time that it occurs to me that we should eat something in the evening!
So here it is -- incredibly easy and wonderful bolognese sauce. Oh my goodness, is this ever good!
Summer Bolognese Sauce
1 lb sausage or beef (we use sausage)
1 onion chopped
lots o' garlic minced
1 can no-salt organic tomatoes (or use fresh if you have them -- they're not ripe here yet!)
1-2 cups organic broth (I use beef, but veggie or chicken would work, too)
2-3 tablespoons tomato paste
about 1/2 cup good red wine (I use Chianti)
Italian seasonings
any other veggies you'd like to hide i.e. carrots, mushrooms, zucchini, squash, chopped, diced, minced or shredded, depending on how well you want to hide it!

Brown the meat and add the onion and garlic toward the end of the browning time. Drain if you have a lot of grease -- we use lower fat sausage so I don't drain it. Add the broth, tomatoes, tomato paste, and wine, if using. Add the seasonings. Bring to a boil, then turn down and let simmer. Taste the mix and see if it is tomato-y enough. Add more paste, if not.
Allow the mix to simmer until reduced to near-desired consistency. Add any extra veggies (note: you can add the tomatoes now instead of earlier, if you like the taste of semi-fresh tomatoes. I, myself, am not a fan). Allow to finish reducing or heat through and enjoy.
Note: This recipe makes a very meaty sauce. You can stretch it a lot by adding more broth and tomato paste or more veggies.

When it would be particularly helpful to have a Gramps around

The list of things I love about my grandfather is far too long to be posted here. Seriously. Blogger.com would overload and shut down if I began to extol all of my grandfather's virtues. So today, I'll extol just one -- the man will eat, (and appreciate!) anything.
Once when I was in junior high, I decided to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies from scratch -- no recipe, no measuring cups, no guidance from Mom -- this was to be completely totally from scratch. I decided it was possible for me to do this because my mother does this all the time with quite a fair degree of success. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen her make a batch of cookies from a recipe, though I suppose it does happen at Easter, but even then only sort of. She never measures anything, always goes by sight and texture, and sometimes taste, but only before the eggs are added. Consequently, mom never makes the same thing twice, but since she's hardly a person for repetition, this is ok and all of us are learning, some of us more slowly than others, to appreciate it.
ANYWAY, I decided to make these cookies and decided to eyeball the baking soda part of the recipe. So I mixed up my ingredients and when it came time to add the soda, I probably added 2-3 tablespoons to a batch of a dozen and a half cookies.
When they emerged from the oven, they smelled wonderful and looked really quite good, though they were, of course, brown on the bottom. Their appearance was deceptive, to say the least. They were terrible! Baking soda is a lovely background flavor, but should never star in a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Never.
Despite the terror that was these cookies, for some reason I packaged them up and took them to my grandfather. Now, the thing to know about Gramps is that not only does he eat pretty much anything, but he also insists that he likes the burned parts of things ("a little brown," as he says) as well as other things considered inedible by others. I don't know if this has evolved as a coping mechanism (because while my grandmother is now THE BEST cook on the planet, she says it wasn't always that way because she truly HATED to cook when they first married) or if he truly likes the yucky stuff.
These cookies were no exception. My grandfather tried them, proclaimed them quite good and even when I tried to throw them out, insisted on saving them.
The reason I thought about all of this today was because I tried to make cookies from scratch again. These turned out really quite well, but they are a little too soft and fall apart a little too easily. Probably I needed to put more flour in them and although they taste very good, they have whole wheat, whole sugar, oatmeal, walnuts, chocolate and white chocolate chips in them and I know Dennis won't devour them like he would if they were just plain white flour, sugar and chocolate chips.
If Gramps were nearby though, I'd have them taken care of. I'd take some over to his house, present the crumbly parts as possible ice cream topping, and we'd be good to go.
Aside from all the other times it would be nice to spend time with him, this is when it would be particularly helpful to have a Gramps around.

Five years and counting

Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of my ministry at First Christian Church, Rock Falls. When I came here, I thought I'd be here for five years and move on. I had it all planned out in my head how it would work -- how I'd leave here and go to a larger church, earn more money, get more recognition from the poobahs, etc, etc.
Five years, a husband, a daughter and a little nubbin later, I have no idea what's next. God has been good over the last five years despite me. So I am here and trying to do the work to which God is calling me both in the church and in my home. That seems like plenty to hold in my head and heart right now.

Recipe: In case of a bumper crop

Somehow, even though we didn't plant a garden this year, we have a bumper crop of zucchini, thanks to the generosity of my sister, Lil, and some church members. Today I was facing eight large zucchini on my countertop. And when I say large, I mean, slightly larger than the dog next door.
Anyway, here is a recipe for soup using zucchini. I have modified it because the original, while tasting delicious, had a texture that would have been great during the winter, but not so lovely now. However, this version is grand and supposedly freezes like a dream. So if you had a deep freezer, you could make this stuff for cold weather and you'd be golden.

Red Lentil, Zucchini and Couscous Soup
1 onion
1 stalk celery
olive oil for sauteeing
6 c. broth (I used chicken, but veggie would be great and beef is good in the winter)
1 c. red lentils
1 t. salt
1/2 t ground pepper
6 big leaves fresh basil
2 large zucchini, cut into bite-sized pieces
4 large carrots, cut in slightly smaller pieces than zucchini
2/3 c whole wheat couscous
1/2 c grated parmesan (optional)

Dice onion and celery and cook in olive oil til translucent.
Pour in broth and add lentils and seasonings. Allow to boil, then turn down heat and cover, allowing to cook at slow simmer for 15-20 minutes.
Add zucchini and carrots and couscous and continue to simmer for 10 minutes.
You may want to stir in the parmesan or add it to bowls or leave it out altogether.
This soup could also take a whole lot of other seasonings, so experiment and enjoy!

How things could have gone

Yesterday was not a great day for the McStews. However, even as I indulge in complaint, I should note that all of it could have been so much worse. And thus I'm extremely thankful.
On Sunday, while at my neice's birthday party, my tooth began a murderous rampage inside my mouth and I started to get a dull headache. Tylenol did not help tooth nor head and by the time we got home, my head was really sore.
During the night I had dreams that someone was hitting my head from side to side and I woke up with a headache that was pounding with each beat of my heart. It hurt so much I couldn't move without incredible pain. I woke Dennis up and had him take my blood pressure because I was preeclamptic with Annalivia and the pounding with my heartbeat really concerned me. My blood pressure was fine and glucose was fine, so I went back to bed, but the pain was terrible.
On Monday morning, I had an appointment with the oral surgeon about this tooth. The tooth was my back right wisdom tooth and it had a large hole on the side where a filling fell out long ago that was exposing the nerve. The doctor was worried about it breaking off, in which case it was likely that he'd have to cut the gum and since I'm pregnant, Tylenol or perhaps Tylenol with codeine, are the only pain relieving options. The doctor said he'd rather wait to pull it, but thankfully, my beloved OB intervened and said to get the darn thing out since it was probably the instigator of the headache.
So the doctor took out the tooth and as it was coming out, it broke off. I had been praying Psalm 30 "O, Lord, I cried out to you for help and you healed me" all morning. The doctor reached for the knife and then said, "Maybe I can tease it out" and grabbed another tool and the rest of the root of the tooth just popped right out. So -- no cutting. And I came home in less than an hour and laid on the couch while Annalivia played.
On his way home, Dennis got into an accident. It was sort of Dennis' fault since he tried to pass a guy who was turning left on the guy's right. Turned out the guy had the wrong turn signal on and he turned into Dennis instead. The guy didn't have insurance and since our car is driveable and technically Dennis was in the wrong, Dennis didn't get the guy's name either. The Capri is banged up, which the real shame, and Dennis was really ticked off at himself, but all of this leads me to...
HOW THINGS COULD HAVE GONE

• This headache could have been blood pressure related, which would have been REALLY bad this early in the pregnancy.
• The doctor could have decided to leave the tooth.
• The tooth could have broken differently and needed cutting.
• Annalivia could have been having a very different day that wouldn't have allowed for a sleeping mama.
• Dennis or another person could have been really seriously hurt.

Like I said, all in all, I'm thankful. Today is a hundred times better and I'm assuming tomorrow will be practically normal.

The birthday girl

On Sunday, we went to Eureka to celebrate my neice Cleya's 3rd birthday. I haven't been able to be at any of Cleya's other birthday parties, so I was really looking forward to it.
Cleya is so sweet and definitely her own little person. She was wearing a little party dress and also struggling with the excitement of it being her birthday and her tendency to be deeply wounded by little things. "I'm feeling really sad," was a frequent refrain, though for no reason obvious to grown-ups or anything that could be articulated by Cleya-bug.
All of it is so sweet to me. My memories of Cleya's mom, Lillia, was of this blithe little spirit who was completely and totally oblivious to anything other than her own joy. Of course, I was 9 at the time Lil was 3 and becoming painfully aware of my own angst, so perhaps all of that is just my memory.
Anyway, it was precious to see a little of this bliss as Cleya opened her presents and it was so sweet to see her get excited by each thing for about 3 seconds before looking for the next opportunity to unwrap something.
After presents, she spent a lot of time guarding her possessions from Annalivia. It was pretty hilarious. Most of the time Annalivia was oblivious to whatever it was Cleya had. She just wanted to be near Cleya. Annalivia would be playing with a balloon in front of Cleya's chair and Cleya would be curled up with her My Little Pony held up over her head just in case Annalivia lunged for it. As the eldest child, I relate strongly to this.
Cleya's getting a little sibling in 7 months. Now THAT will be fun to see.

A girl and her sistahs

When Annalivia was born, I immediately felt the urge to find her a little sister. I was sitting in the doctor's waiting room three weeks after she was born telling my mother that I was ready to have the next one and that I hoped it would be a little sister for Annalivia. (Again, the euphoria sustained me through my exhaustion.) Dennis and I talked even then about how it just seems as though our next little girl is just waiting to come into our family. It has never been as though it is a variable whether she will appear. The only variable is when she will appear.
This pregnancy, I am praying for a healthy baby, but I will also confess that I have prayed that this one will be the little sister for Annalivia. This may seem blasphemous to some and I know full-well that if this baby ends up being a little boy, we will look at him when he arrives and talk about how we can't imagine him being anyone else. And we will love him for who he is.
But, having said that, there is something about having three little sisters that leads me to hope for a sister for my daughter. From my sisters I have learned so much about patience, intelligence, forgiveness and healing, imagination, and of course, love. As we grow older, and I am able to see them more as individuals and less as an extension of myself, I find myself continually being taught how to be a better sibling, a better friend, and a better person.
There was a recent article in TIME the week before last about how siblings shape us that got me thinking about this more. It is kind of amazing to me that the idea that we are more shaped by siblings than by our parents and our spouses is a new idea. From the time we were incredibly young, my parents were telling us that the closest people to us would be our siblings. I remember vividly my mother explaining that the Marissa's DNA was a lot closer to mine than hers or Dad's. I remember the "conversation" Dad delivered as Marissa and I trudged up a hill at Governor Dodge State Park, wherein he explained that the relationships with our sisters were the most important we would ever have and that those relationships deserved more respect than we were giving them on that vacation.
And it's true. Every subsequent relationship I've developed has been judged by what I've experienced with my sisters. Can I laugh with this person? Am I comfortable with this person? Can we have intense intellectual discussion? Can we agree to disagree with minimal hostility? Are they appropriately insane?
I want Annalivia to have a barometer like this, but also to have someone who brings her more joy, more love, and yes, more frustration, than she ever will think possible and who, God willing, will accompany her through the various stages of life long after her father and I return Home.
So, though we will be more than happy to welcome a little guy into our family, we look forward to and pray for the day when Annalivia will lead her little sister through the peonies, whispering in her ear, and holding hands, playing games that neither Dennis nor I will fully understand.
Though my guess is that I'll understand at least a little.

I should mention for the benefit of any sistahs reading this blog that the fact that this photo is of Rissy and me is solely due to the fact that I do not have non-akward photos of the rest of us in this house. Sorry, Kali.

Having never been more tired in my life...

(which is really saying something considering that Annalivia didn't sleep through the night until, well, she doesn't now, actually) I haven't posted any of the things that have been rolling about in my head. I've been taking HUGE 3-4 hour naps with Annalivia and still going to bed before 10 each night. I don't remember feeling this tired at all with Annalivia. Perhaps the euphoria sustained me. Of course, I'd also had four years of decent sleep before I became pregnant with her...
Anyway, sorry to be a slacker. More coming soon, perhaps.

Self-indulgent? self-care

I've been turning over and over these thoughts again and again in my head over the last few weeks, but I'm not sure this is going to come out right...
I've been thinking about the desire for better self-care and wondering if it doesn't perhaps have a tendency to be self-indulgent in a way that is kingdom-irresponsible?
This last month I read again the book Living More with Less which was published by the Mennonite Central Committee several years after the acclaimed More with Less Cookbook. Doris Janzen Longacre authored both books and both are chock-full of information about living responsibly in the world with the resources God has given us. They are not fun to read. I feel my face burning and my gut sinking as I read about the excesses of modern life. I wear a scarlet letter from the first sentences.
Living More with Less reminds the reader that there are a hundred things that we can do every day to be more responsible stewards of our resources from reusing scrap paper and aluminum foil to switching to cloth grocery and lunch bags. There are also less benign suggestions in these books, such as giving up some protein because we have a disproportionately large amount of protein in our diets as first-world citizens or foregoing beauty luxuries because those things aren't available to other people throughout the world.
The idea that part of our role as Christians is to stand in solidarity with victims of injustice appeals to me on a very basic level. I just can't buy into the argument that we here in the first world have all that we have because God has ordained it to be so. It's pretty clear to me that the Bible commands us to worry about and act for justice. And since "justice" is such a laden word, I mean that it is pretty clear to me that God asks us to recognize that the world is not the way that He wants it to be and to work to change it. And the Mennonite assertion is that this begins with each of us and our own actions in how we relate to our families, friends, fellow believers and strangers. Justice is worked out in how I spend my money, drive my car, treat my kids, interact with store clerks, etc. Pretty smart, those Mennonites.
So -- here's my dilemma -- am I being a responsible citizen of the Kingdom in my pursuit for self-care? Is it a good use of my resources to spend money on extra virgin cocount oil or all-natural all-organic face cream? Or is it "worth it" to buy toothpaste without additives that costs twice or three times as much as others or multi-vitamins that cost more than our prescription medicines for a month or essential oils that head us into the hundreds of dollars?
I think, for us, the answer is no. Not right now. Spending the small amounts of expendible cash entirely on us, even if it is in the name of "better health," is not a good use of our resources. And frankly, until we are able to give the amount we wish we could to the places that work actively for justice in the world and still have extra left over every month, I think the answer will be, 'no'. And that's gonna be a while.
There are certain things for which we are going to continue to spend extra money. We're still buying organic milk, though now Annalivia is the only one drinking milk, and we'll continue to get farm eggs from Dennis' aunt because that's helpful to both our family and hers. We're going to continue our recent trend of eating more and more fresh veggies and fruits, but probably only while they are in season, at which time we'll revert to frozen veggies.
And I think we're going to cut back on some things. For example, we're going to be eating less meat (sorry, honey). We're probably not going to go overboard on supplements. The refined coconut oil is not cost-prohibitive and is really good for our skin and cooking, so I'll continue to use that. And I'll continue to take my coral calcium and folic acid while gestating and nursing, but organic/ all-natural shampoo and hair gel and makeup is not in my future, I think, when it costs such a great deal that could be spent elsewhere. Nor is coconut oil as a supplement or any more Perfect Green Foods, at least not during produce season. We're just going to have to do a better getting real nutrition from real foods.
And we're also going to do some things differently. Next summer our goal is to be in a position to house a large freezer someplace in our dwelling. We plan to plant a large garden and live mainly on veggies next summer and freeze away for the fall and winter months. We're also going to be cutting our own intake back a lot and focusing on basic nutrition: vegetables and fruit, carbs and protein in the purest and least expensive form I can find them, which probably means eating a lot of beans and rice in the fall. As you can tell from our photos, we consume way more than our allotted share of this world's resources. Really, that's the first place to start.
In the meantime, I'm going to pray for wisdom in readjusting my attitudes about providing for my family. I am an abundant person and tend to go way overboard with, well, pretty much everything. I like to have the best, though I'm realizing what is best depends on who is doing the judging. I particularly need help in re-evaluating how I see feeding my family. Lots of heavy food has indicated lots of good love to me in the past and I have a tendency to communicate my affection for my beloveds with ridiculously complicated, expensive and calorie-loaded dishes. Longacre's call in Living More with Less to adjust entertaining and hospitality to be more about companionship (and yes, I know the etymological foundations of that word) than cuisine is very much resonating with me.
And finally, though it probably won't make me any more friends, I think I'm going to remind folks very gently that there is a difference between self-care and self-indulgence. And focusing on self, self, self, often leads us down the path of self-destruction, even as we seek self-preservation.
Well, that's enough of my ramblings for now. Bet you're all glad I'm back from vaca, eh?

Napping made clear

Well, apparently the reason I napped all day was so I could be up all night with a toothache. It's now after 2 and I'm up for the nth time. Guess I'll call the oral surgeon tomorrow and beg for a bump on my appointment. Ugh.

Vacation from vacation

We came home early last night from Eureka and missed the finale of our July 4 celebration by skipping the fireworks at Eureka Lake. We were tired and I wasn't feeling really great and frankly, the thought of sleeping in our own beds was a stronger pull than seeing sparkly patriotic remembrances, so we headed north.
It was good to celebrate Mama's 60th birthday, good to spend time with the family, good to see the small town parade, good to have a break from being home.
But it's just really good to be home again.
This morning, Dennis woke up with Annalivia and I slept in til 10. Then we worked on cleaning up the back bedroom for friends to come visit on Friday. Then Annalivia and I laid down and we took a big 2 hour nap. Then we sent a slightly disgruntled bug who needed a change of scenery out to visit her grandmother who was suffering from not seeing her for a week and Dennis and I went to a movie and had dinner together to celebrate our anniversary a day late. All of which was lovely.
So today we've had a vacation from vacation. And tomorrow, since I'm technically off-work until Saturday, I'm going to spend the day working at home -- organizing and doing some long-overdue deep-cleaning and taking another nap, probably.
And since it's 9:00, I think I'll go to bed early tonight too. No use ruining the streak.

Possibilities

You are my one true love,
Today I come to you to be your wife.
All that I am and all that I have,
I will gladly share with you.
I promise to accept you for the person you have been,
love you for the person you are,
and help you to grow into the person God wants you to be.
These things I promise to you now,
and each day, for the rest of our lives. ~4 July 2003

He had no possibilities. His glasses were too thick. His speech too unrefined. His education too simple. His mother too needy.
He was unworthy, I thought. Expendible.
He knew differently.
Within 5 days I realized I could love him forever. Within 12 days I knew I would.
Now I think if there is one who is unworthy, it is not him. He is far more generous, more loving, more giving, more creative, more intelligent, more understanding, more industrious, more clever than I can ever hope to be.
With him there is passion and joy and security and desire and contentment and love and, and, and... deeper than I ever knew possible.
With him, there are possibilities I could never have imagined.
I know differently now, too. This man is exactly the one my heart yearned to love.
And for some crazy reason, he loves me, too.
I love you so much, my love. Happy anniversary.

River reverie

We've been enjoying hanging out with my dear friend, Annalivia's godfather, Jimmy, at the parsonage in Louisiana, MO. Lovely historic river town, grand homes, wonderful company, fine food, etc. We are enjoying sitting around in the sunshine with feet in kiddie pools, splashing around the marina kiddie pool, and taking lovely drives along the Mississippi. It is just lovely and our first real vacation since May of two years ago. We're long overdue and enjoying most every minute, so more interesting posts will be coming later!

A dubious fellow

I don't think I believe Enrique on PBS' Dragon Tales. One day he's from Colombia (should be said with a Columbian accent.) The next he's referencing murals in Puerto Rico. One day he's teaching Emmy and Max songs about hot chocolate in Espanol. The next he just so happens to know Ord's dragon painting song sung because it's supposedly sung by his abuelita.
I'm not falling for it. It seems to me that he's a too convenient, all-purpose Hispanic character. Has he ever even been to Colombia? How come he never references drug cartels or the overwhelming problems with poverty? And if he knows about hot chocolate how come says he's never seen snow?
It's all a little too convenient, if you ask me. I'm keeping my eye on that Enrique.

Doh

Ok, well, I owe some of you a rather extensive apology because I've not been languishing in post-dental-procedure pain this week. Turns out that my dentist won't extract teeth from a pregnant woman, though this pregnant woman didn't find that out til I was in the chair and sufficiently steeled to face major dental angst. Turns out that the dentist refers pregnant woman to an oral surgeon instead and that the oral surgeon is terribly busy and important and cannot possibly fit me in until mid-July which gives me plenty of time to steel myself for both dental and insurance co-pay angst.
So, the reason I've been observing the requested reprieve is five-fold, at least.

1. I'm punky
2. I'm really bloody tired
3. A toothache, insulin-induced hypoglycemia and progesterone cream have created a distinctly moody and quite unattractive version of me
   
4. I've been feeling quite sorry for myself
5. I've not really much to say other than *big sigh* "Poooooooor meeeee!" *swooning*

So again, many apologies for those of you who have actually been praying for me and my teeth i.e. Dawn. I so appreciate your concern. This is when I wish I had one of those little emoticons who blush. Doh.

Recipe: Favorite bread, soaked

The other day, Annalivia and I accompanied Dennis to the Quad Cities and while he was in class, we went to a hoighty-toighty grocery store in Iowa. I was so excited to see that this grocery store had a wheat mill to grind one's own flour! (The extra dollar tacked onto the price of everything in the store must cover the cost of the mill).
Anyway, I ground my own hard white winter wheat and came home to try it in bread. It's amazing how different fresh flour smells! That in and of itself should tell me something.
The end product of this recipe experiment, aided by the info Dawn posted about soaking bread on her site, prompted me to go get more fresh-ground flour yesterday. So, this recipe, which I used to make only at the holidays, has now had two trials in its soaked form and is wonderful, and has thus become everyday bread for us.

Honey Oatmeal Bread
2 cups buttermilk or yogurt
6 1/2 cups whole grain flour (I use 5 cups whole wheat and 1 1/2 spelt)
1 c. oats
Combine and allow to sit overnight.

The next day combine:
1/4 c water
1/4 c honey
1 T yeast
Allow to bubble

Mix in separate dish:
1/3 c melted butter
1/4 c honey
2 t salt

Add the yeast mix and the butter to the flour mix
Add:
2 eggs, slightly beaten

Mix it all up. Knead in another cup of flour (again, I use spelt) if necessary.
Allow to rise til double, then punch down and form into two loaves (if using loaf pans, grease/ butter well). Gently slash the tops and allow to rise til double again.
Combine 1 T water and egg white before baking and brush tops. Then sprinkle with oats. Or you can use butter and sprinkle with oats. Or leave it unsprinkled.
Bake at 375 for about 35 minutes. Remove from pans to cool. You can brush with oil again, if you like a softer crust.

Begging a reprieve

We had a wonderful resurrection celebration for the beloved church member who passed away this weekend, but at the risk of being way too whiny, it has been four days of really deeply emotional shepherding for me. And tomorrow I'm having teeth pulled, so I am going to extend my apologies now for frivolous or non-existent posts. I appreciate so much your comments and I promise I will emerge sometime this week, hopefully with clarity and some small insights to offer. Many blessings, friends!

Those "other" Christians

Once again, I have been reading about one part of the Body of Christ attacking another part of the Body for not being Christian enough. When I read such things, my stomach ties itself into knots and I feel such anger and frustration. Why do we insist on tearing each other down in order to feel better or more superior about our points of view?
In the last month I have read two brilliant ruminations on how to handle issues of disagreement within the Body of Christ. I don't have permission to reprint them here, but I'm going to do so anyway and beg for forgiveness later.
This first one is from Molly Aley, a brilliant theologian who wrote in a forum discussion dealing with a hot topic...

Scripturally, we aren't told to "be God," sure, and yet, in a sense, we ARE told to "be God..." in that we are told to be His manifestation to the world.
We are told that WE are the body of Christ--that WE are His expression in the earth now. The Body is what moves, the part that involves ACTION, the part that makes manifest whatever it is that the Head wants, right? And we're different members/parts of that Body, or so says Ephesians...
So it makes sense that some of us are going to see things differently...we are different parts of the body, called to different things and yet ALL of us called to obey the Head, whatever it is He tells us to do. Not all the parts will look the same, in other words, even though all might be obeying the Head.
When I walk, my hands do an entirely different thing than my feet do...yet both are expressing the wishes of my head. I'm glad my feet don't grump about how my hands aren't doing the right thing, simply becuase the hands aren't acting like feet!
This means we might not all look the same, even though we all might be obeying the Head! Some of us will be the arms embracing the sinner no matter WHAT, while others of us might be called of God to point out sin (SO THAT we can lead the person into the freedom of obeying God, not just for the sake of pointing out sin).
I think the key is being very in tune with the Spirit.
Because sometimes we're going to personally FEEL like ramming a ton of (deserved) judgement down a person's throat for whatever reason, and yet the Spirit is going to tell us to shut our mouths and to just love on them. He knows what they need and when they need it, so obeying Him is best, even if it's hard to hold in the rant, and hard to just lovingly bless them in kindness at that moment! HE KNOWS, and He knows exactly how those actions are going to impact them for the good.
... And other times, speaking up for righteousness is going to be the LAST thing we want to do, but the Spirit is going to tell us to open our mouths and share His truth, painful as it may be, unpopular as it may make us, difficult as it might sound. But the Spirit knows when a firm word is needed, knows that it is just what should be said at that very moment, and knows how to frame it just right. He knows that it is the best thing for that person's heart, right then, period. In which case, obeying Him by speaking the hard word is the most loving thing we can do for that person.
In other words, this is an area I personally walk very careful in, when it comes to judging the actions of fellow Christians and when it comes to making blanket statements myself.

Such wisdom!
Another incredibly gentle theologian, Ann V. discussed the conundrum of not knowing exactly what to think about these difficult topics on her blog, Holy Experience. As usual, her words are so eloquent and illustrative of the emotion that accompanies this wrestling we engage in. I'm editing her post for space, but please consider jumping over to her blog to read "Importance of Theology... and Childlike Faith."

I am troubled. Deeply so.... Reformed, Emergent, Post-modern, Evangelical, Calvinism, Arminianism, Catholic, Protestant. Authors with stamps of approval, pastors that pass muster, churches deemed orthodox, conservative, Biblical,godly…or not. Interpretations, translations from the original, concordances. Stances, positions, posturing. Sifting, sifting, sifting. Everyone so sure.
And I am sure too.
Certain of the Cross and Your saving Grace. Unwavering about Your Sovereignty. Confident of Your sacrificial love that saved me, a sinner.
But the rest, Lord, the secondary issues? I confess it in a wavering whisper:
I don’t know...
I am sure of You… but theology? All the Details of Doctrine in which I so easily find myself entangled?...
I want a clear understanding of You. And, seeing as everyone apparently has, intentionally or by default, a theology, is mine simply bad and muddled? I pray it is not so.
I don’t know about…well, You know all the things I don’t know about. And You know how everyone else seems so entirely certain, with flocks of disciples nodding in agreement, buoyed by the loud voices of assurance and confidence.
But what of humble voices?
Unassuming voices that can only whisper, “I do not know for certain, but I do know One who does know. For certain.” Perhaps there are less ears and hearts attuned to tentative voices. Little matter. It's about meekly following the One who is all-knowing. "And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." ~Micah 6:8
...I am like a child tentative about so much… but so sure of You.

Oh, if more of us would simply take time to think about the "other" as beloved of God. Oh, if more of us were willing to admit that we don't know, that we aren't sure. Oh, if more of us were willing to extend the grace to be unsure to other pilgrims on the way. Oh, oh, oh...
Thank you, Molly and Ann, for such amazingly heartfelt, transparent and inspiring confessions of understanding. You have reassured this grieving heart.

Recipe: Breakfast puff

This is a great and SUPER easy recipe for a wonderful breakfast treat. We have found it perfect for Sunday morning pre-church because it can be made the night before. It goes by different names -- Dutch Puff or Yorkshire Pudding are the most common.

Breakfast Puff
4 eggs
1 cup whole wheat pastry flour or spelt
1 cup milk, buttermilk or milk with 2 T yogurt (not more than a cup)1 T vanilla
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter

Add eggs, flour and milk to blender and blend. If you want to presoak grains, you can do this the night before and stick it in the refrigerator.
Before you cook it: Preheat oven to 425. Allow oven to get hot then stick a square baking dish in the oven and allow it to get hot, then melt the butter in the pan in the oven.
Pour the mix (whisk it first if you refrigerated) into the hot pan. Close up the oven and let it cook about 20-25 minutes.
The key to this dish is a very hot oven, a very hot pan, and very hot oil. As long as these three elements are in place, it will puff up into a beautiful souffle-like creation. If the oven isn't hot enough, it may just take a little longer to cook.
You can also mix things up by adding apples or peaches before pouring into the pan. Or you can take it into the savory realm by omitting the vanilla and adding sausage. It is wonderful with maple syrup and equally as grand with homemade berry syrup. This recipe serves four, but it can be easily doubled and cooked in a 9 x 13 pan. Delicious stuff.

Timeless lessons I've learned in the last 24 hours

I won't mention how I know these things...
1. Be careful when using the phrase, "Just let me know what I can do," when speaking to a frantic and harried CWF (Christian Women's Fellowship) chairperson coordinating a funeral dinner for 100.
2. Do not be surprised when said chairperson calls back to ask if ye can make potato salad for 100 people.
3. When married to an engineer, it may be best to ask him to slice fresh baked bread, lest ye end up with tapered slices that barely hold together on one end and are overly thick on the other.
4. When married to a husband who professes to be proficient at boiling eggs, allow said proficiency to be demonstrated rather than randomly deciding that said eggs have "probably boiled long enough", lest ye end up with soft-boiled eggs for aforementioned potato salad.
5. When attempting to make potato salad, bread, and pancakes at the same time, try focusing on one recipe at a time, lest ye end up with three times the amount of baking soda in said pancakes and one less egg than said pancakes require, thus requiring the flushing of said pancakes down the garbage disposal.

With all her toys...

With the vast array of toys available to her, Annalivia would still much rather play with a dishtowel, a pillow, and a can of tomato paste. Throw in a magazine she can rip up, and some books she can look at, and that is one happy little Bug.

Soaking stuff

Since I figured out that I'm not a big fan of sourdough for anything but toast slathered in butter or french toast slathered in syrup, I've been trying to figure out how to soak grains for bread and also use yeast. But I wonder, according to HRH Sally Fallon, quick rise yeast insults (I think that was the word she used) our grains by forcing them into an unnatural process of rising too fast. So what do you do if you just really love the taste of homemade yeast bread? Hmmm?
Well, I'm bound and determined to figure it out, so I'll let you know if I do. Or someone else who has already wrestled with this could just let me know... hint, hint, Dawn...
In the meantime, here is our family's favorite pancake recipe -- nutty, delicious, soaked and actually good for you. I always triple it and freeze any extras, though they don't ever stay frozen for long!

Whole Wheat Pancakes a la McStew
3/4-1 c. whole wheat flour
1/4 c. wheat germ, ground flaxseeds, linseed, etc.
1 1/4 c. buttermilk
1/2 t. salt
1 t. baking soda
1 T. rapadura, sucanat or brown sugar
1 T vanilla
1 T oil (I use olive or sometimes coconut)
1 egg beaten

Mix whole wheat flour, and wheat germ, if using with buttermilk. Cover loosely and let sit for up to 24 hours.
Sprinkle remaining dry ingredients over the wheat mix and mix with wire whisk. Mix wet ingredients in separate bowl and combine with flour/ buttermilk/dry ingredient mix. Mix with wire whisk til just combined.
Cook on hot griddle. Makes 8 pancakes at approx. 113 cal/pancake 2 g fiber/pancake.

Sending another one home

A beloved church member passed away during the night. She had struggled with a battle against diabetes for years and had lost her mobility, her dignity, even a leg in the course of events. Last night she died peacefully in her sleep.
I had called yesterday to see how she was doing and asked if I could come see her this afternoon. I just had NO idea that she had gotten so bad.
I feel like I failed this family. I should have gone to see her yesterday. I just didn't understand.
Then this morning, I didn't get their call at 7 to tell me she had passed. I called them back when we got up at 7:30, which is a full two hours later than we've been getting up lately. They declined to have me come over and be with them.
I feel terrible, and though I need to apologize, I don't want this family to feel like they need to minister to my regret before I'll minister to their grief. Ugh.
This woman was such a dear person and also such a difficult person sometimes (like all of us, right?). She was so loving towards everyone and also terrified that they didn't love her enough. She always believed the best in people and also saw and wrestled with the worst. She had a faith that was strong one moment and non-existent the next. But, my goodness, did I ever love her. And I'll miss her greatly.
And at the same time, I know she is Home now and she is not in pain. She is no longer bound by a sick body. Her favorite hymn was He Touched Me and I know she is saying, "Something happened and now I know, he touched me and made me whole."
Much love always, Barb.

Oh what a beautiful mornin'

It is a gorgeous morning here in northern Illinois. It is actually cool outside -- 58 degrees right now. Annalivia is reading to herself Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do You See. I've yet to get dressed and feel as though this would be a perfect day for a great cup of Lil's fresh-ground coffee, but I think I'll go for some ice water instead. The birds are singing and the sun is filtering through the trees in the backyard catching the sparkles of the dew on the ground. It's just a lovely mornin' and a great day to be alive.

Submission for 21st century sinners

This last Sunday's sermon question was "Why does the Bible tell women to submit to their husbands?" I added... "And husbands to submit to Christ?" because, truthfully, I think these two acts of submission need to happen concurrently.
The sermon went well, but afterwards a middle aged guy came up to me and jokingly said, "Well, I sure heard a lot about husbands submitting to Christ, but not a lot about the women submitting to the husbands!" He said this in a hot kitchen that was full of women who were making him breakfast, so he skedaddled pretty fast!
Later an older woman said, "I wish you would have spent more time on how husbands should submit to Christ instead of spending so much time on women submitting to husbands!" She wasn't joking.
I think submission is just one of those things that we'd rather apply to other people, but the truth is -- any relationship requires submission. Whether husband and wife, parent and child, friend and friend, we have to be willing to carve out a space within ourselves to allow that person to inhabit. And any good relationship will have both parties respecting that space that is created with love, trust and kindness.
I think the idea of submitting is so hard for women my age because we've been told that not only should we have it all -- children, husband, career outside the home, friends, volunteer work, church AND a size 8 figure, to boot -- but if we DON'T "have it all" we are some sort of massive failure. Whatever it is that we think WE'VE created, we want to hold onto with all of our strength!
The thought of willingly giving up part of ourselves to let another live there is indeed counter to almost every message we receive from the world, and to a great extent, from the church (shame on us!). Pick up any women's magazine or parenting magazine, and you'll find abundant advice on how to pamper yourself, indulge yourself, treat yourself, take time for yourself... It is a good thing to take care of ourselves, but for goodness' sake, what if we took the time we wanted to spend indulging and devoted just a tenth of it to doing something totally unexpected and kind for our husbands or children? I bet we'd feel a lot better about ourselves.
It's not easy to give up part of ourselves, but this is the essence of our calling as Christians. "Take up your cross and follow" implies making a big ol' place for Jesus in our lives. And, well, he already made such an enormous place in HIS life for US that he was willing to give up his life!
Ephesians 5 begins with Paul telling the church at Ephesus what they should do to be imitators of Jesus. He addresses the temptations of the flesh and the temptations of the spirit and then tells us how to imitate Christ in our households and in the human relationships that are most important to us.

What I think is challenging for me as a woman, is realizing that my husbands' spiritual giftedness, while not the same as mine, is absolutely essential for our family. It's essential for me. I want it. I need it. And I think our family functions better when I allow him the space to lead spiritually when he wants.
I was listening to Family Life Today the other day -- it's not a program I listen to very often -- and an evangelist named RV Brown was on the program. You can listen to his interview here. It was wonderful! He has written a book called Step Up to the Plate, Dad. He talked about the ducks-in-a-row effect, as he calls it; if a family has a mama getting up and getting her children to church, praying with them, and teaching them about Jesus, it is possible that family will be Christian. But the MOMENT that the father gets on board, that the father takes ownership of his responsibility to submit to Christ and lead the family with the kind of love that he himself desires, that family's chances of succeeding in discipleship are astronomically higher.
In the mainline church church, where I was born and bred and where I serve and believe I belong, the concept of submission is SO hard for us both male and female. Submission is about giving up power, about letting God be God in the world, in our church and in our families. And if there's one thing that makes mainliners squirm, it's talking about the power of God.
But submission is something that we need to talk about and reclaim. It must be said-- it is true that many women were long denied the love and respect that Paul reminds men to give their wives. And if a person is abusing another person and doing everything BUT imitating Christ, they've lost the privilege of being submitted to. The church needs to insist that men and women find relationships wherein they are loved and valued and defend those who are not.
But sometimes I think the pendulum has, in general, over-corrected, and in being empowered to live as full people in God's love, I believe we women took some power that belongs to men away from them. And, let's be honest -- I think some men abdicated that power willingly in favor of less responsibility. I was reminded of Psalm 127 when I was thinking about how to build a family, a household that is more than just nominally Christian, "Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it."
It's time to delve back into these scriptures that teach us how to imitate Christ. I hope we can come to a point where we see women and men for their unique giftedness in Christ instead of insisting on their same giftedness.
It is my prayer that I will continue to submit, even though it is incredibly hard and counter-intuitional for me to do so. I pray I will continue to turn myself, my marriage, my family, and my calling over to the ways of God.

Two sides of the same coin

We had a lovely Father's Day here, mainly heightened by the discovery that Littler McStew will be joining the family in Feb. 20. I had actually gone to see my ob/gyn on Thursday to see about medicine for getting pregnant. God is pretty amazing.

We are now experience that crazy mix of elation and fear that accompanies such a wonderful occurence. Annalivia is at the age when correction is an semi-hourly occurence. She'll be two when number two arrives, or shortly thereafter. Will we be able to communicate to her that the necessary discipline she will receive is not because of the new little? Will we be able to communicate our love for both children? Will we be able to communicate our love for each other while taking care of two littles? I know the only answer is "grace of God (and the creek don't rise)", but I still think of all these questions.

Anyway, we're in good company. Sister Lil and bro-in-law Jake will welcome #2 in January. Good friends from Kansas will welcome a surprise #3 at the same time. Who knows who else will join the ranks? It's good to be alive.

Here's our Father's Day pic 2006. Keen eyes will notice our color coord- ination (i.e. the trim on Annalivia's dress matches the stripe in daddy's shirt and mama's dress ;) ). Once again, in our family pictures Dennis looks wonderful, Annalivia looks suspicious and me and my chins are trying to muscle everyone else out of the pic. Oh well. This is who we are...

Excessive use of jazz hands

I saw a hilarious commercial tonight on mute, so I don't really know what it was about, except that it involved a lots and lots and lots (read: "prodigious use") of jazz-hands. I think it was for some new chocolate bar; all I can say is that the office portrayed therein is exactly the kind of place I'd like to work.

Small triumphs in the quest for health

I've experienced several small triumphs in the ongoing quest for health here at Casa McStew which I feel like I should share here, because... uh.... where else would I share them?

1. We bought a reverse osmosis system! Hurrah! It's not actually installed yet, but we got the system from Menards for less than $140 and it looks like it is actually really good. Not as great as Culligan, but we have college debt to repay, so...
2. I managed to make sourdough bread. I managed to make a sourdough starter, first of all. Then I managed to make five loaves of sourdough bread. Then I managed to remember that I'm not a big fan of sourdough bread. Actually Dora Sue Davis of Lancaster, Kentucky makes THE best bread in the world and it happens to be sourdough. Back when I was a seminarian she offered me some starter and foolishly, I denied her. Now I'm half tempted to make the 12 hour trip just to get the starter. But she's coming to her neice's wedding in August in Eureka, so I think I'll just ask her to bring me some. It's appropriate to ask such a favor after completely losing contact with someone for five years, right? Thought so.
3. The progesterone cream I've been using is helping with a number of issues, none of which anyone here would like to read, but which some of you can infer because you're regular beneficiaries of my abundant TMI policy.
4. I think this liquid kelp is working on me, too. Of course, I'm up to 12 drops a day and my BBT is still 97.2, but I feel better, I think. I think.
5. I finally found a natural deodorant that works! Yep, after trying 8 different kinds, I have finally found it and the best/ worst part -- it was 40% off in a closeout at our health food store, so now instead of costing 3 times as much as Degree, it's only twice as much. I'm going back to buy up all the rest (Aubrey Organics E plus high C, fyi -- I should have known from the music-nerd tie-in that this would be the one.)
6. I told my doctor about self-medicating with progesterone and liquid kelp and she was fine with it. I love my doctor. Adore her. And I feel better having confessed to her and having her approve. I need to work on my need for approval, but in the meantime, I feel good about not deceiving Dr. Stone.
7. I brought back my Living More with Less book from the office and ordered a More with Less Cookbook from eBay and am feeling very positive about the direction we've been moving. We're inching -- or perhaps more accurately, centimeter-ing, our way towards being more responsible citizens of the Kingdom.

Yeah, things are going well. I continue to pray for stamina and patience. For me, these things go hand in hand. But we are better -- I feel it! And that's a darn good thing.

Recipe: Pink and brown look good on us

I made a really good supper tonight, stolen, sort of, from Daisy Martines of Daisy Cooks! on PBS. I say, sort of, because I was half-watching the show the other day and half-listening to this recipe and I was fully inspired. However, I couldn't find the recipe online at all, so I'm half-claiming this as my own ingenuity. It's deliciously flavorfull, full to the brim of fiber and incredibly, incredibly low on fat, which is not a bad thing. Best of all, it can be made in stages and though it takes a long time cumulatively, it is really easy.

Pink Beans and Brown Rice

1 lb dry pink beans (or you could use red)

6 cups filtered water

2-4 cups sofrito (recipe follows, if needed)

olive oil

1-3 T salt

lots of green olives (I used one medium jar)

2 1/2 cups brown rice

stock of your choice (at least 1 quart)

First, cook the beans using your chosen method. I let them soak in 6 cups water overnight, pour off said water, and put the beans and six cups new water in the crockpot on high for 1 hour and then on low the rest of the day. When beans are done, don't drain. If you use canned beans, crazy fool, go ahead and rinse off the beans.

Heat olive oil -- as much or little as you want -- in a large, heavy pot on medium heat. Pour sofrito into hot oil. Add the green olives and pour in some of the olive brine. Mmmm. Cook it up in the oil til you can't stand it and just want to jump in and swim in all those wonderful fragrances. If you are going to use and unsalted stock, add quite a bit of the salt. If you are using a salted stock, add less.

Then, pour in beans and bean liquid and add 2 1/2 cups rice. Then (and this is Daisy's trick) take a wooden spoon and put the end of it into the liquid just touching the rice. Take it out and hold up your fingers to the liquid line. You need two fingers worth of liquid over the level of the rice. Add stock to make up the difference.

Let this lovely mixture boil, stirring occasionally, until the liquid reaches the level of the rice/ bean mix, then cover it and reduce the heat. Let the liquid absorb at a low simmer. When you uncover, it will be deliciously wonderful. Even husbands who swear they don't like "ethnic" food yet have been strangely receptive to falafel, groundnut stew and tabbouleh lately, love it.

This makes a whole heck of a lot of rice and beans, fyi, which is great for large families... or small families who will now have to search out unsuspecting family and/ or church members to hoist leftovers upon them...

Sofrito

1 large tomato

1-2 large onions

6-8-20 garlic cloves (less if you're crazy and dislike garlic)

1/2 green pepper

1 red pepper

1 cubanelle pepper or banana pepper

1 bunch cilantro

In a food processor, place tomato, garlic, onion, peppers, cilantro. You may want to cube everything into similar sized pieces. Whirl away til it is a lovely fragrant mush. Use in any or all latin dishes. (It freezes well, too!)

The best sound in the world

Annalivia is lying on the floor with her daddy laughing hysterically as he makes her stuffed kitty cat meow at her.

Is there any better sound than the loves of your life laughing with abandon? I don't think so.

The what and why of the Trinity

Some of you already know that my big stepping-out-in-faith venture for the summer is to preach a series of sermons based on questions asked by members of my congregation. I told folks they could ask pretty much anything, but I reserved the right to clarify, re-word, or divide questions as necessary.

Well, the first of these sermons was last week on the Trinity. It happened to be Trinity Sunday for the liturgical churches throughout the world, so the questions, "What is the Trinity? And why is it important for Christians?" were timely.

I have read that it is an old joke that on Trinity Sunday, the minister stands up and preaches a sermon that neither the minister nor the congregation understand. I have to admit, I felt a little like this was going to be the situation for us, also.

The thing is -- the Trinity is on one hand incredibly easy to explain and on the other hand, incredibly difficult to explain. It is both simple to understand and deeply complex and complicated.

At its base, the doctrine of the Trinity is pretty simple.

1. God exists as three eternal persons: Father, Son, Holy Spirit.
2. Each person is fully God
3. There is one God

Of course, trinity is not found in the Bible, though, as Christians, we believe it is clear that the three separate persons of God are mentioned even from the earliest scriptures in the Old Testament. The ruach (breath, wind) moves over the waters; the Creator brings all things into being; the Son of course, is identified in the baptism stories where the Holy Spirit is also present as well as the Father; Jesus sends his Spirit after his resurrection; the Spirit arrives at Pentecost as fire and wind...

We've used all sorts of things to explain the Trinity more fully i.e. The Trinity is like an egg in that an egg cannot be complete without a shell, white and yolk. Or the Trinity is like water which is still water even when frozen, liquid or gas. Or the Trinity is like me who is Dennis' wife, Annalivia's mother, and the pastor of First Christian Church, but is still April. Or, my favorite, the Trinity is like a perfect piece of cherry pie where the flaky crust envelopes distinguishable cherries held together in an ambiguous but delicious goo.

Even the littlest kid can get these things, but it's when one tries to explain deeper that words fail us.

That's when this great quote from Evragius, a monk who lived in Pontus in the 4th century, comes in very handy, "God cannot be grasped by the mind. If God could be grasped, God would not be God."

Which is, I think, the real reason that the Trinity is important to Christians; it tells us what we know about God, but more than that, it reminds us that God is beyond human understanding.

The Trinity reminds us that no matter how much we think we know about God, no matter how much we've read the Word, no matter how much we seek God in prayer, no matter how many sermons we hear, we can NEVER fully understand God.

That is SO crucial for us to understand because if we COULD draw a box around God, like our friend, Evagrius said, God would not be God.

For many people, the inability to understand God, to grasp God, leads them to reject the whole notion of God or it is terrifying to them. I understand the inclination to reject what we cannot understand, to turn from what is larger and greater than ourselves. I understand the inclination to limit God to our understanding because a really, truly BIG God means giving up a lot of our "power" which I don't really think we have in the first place.

As Christians, we must remind ourselves that we believe in a God WAY, WAY bigger than our human minds. We believe in a God that is WAY, WAY bigger than human life. We believe in a God who is greater and more expansive than anything any of us can even imagine. We, in fact, must believe beyond our belief.

We do this because we pray to the Father hoping with fervent hope that He hears and knows our inward parts and our needs and desires in ways that haven'occurreded to us yet. We do this because we surrender our lives to Jesus asking him to lead us in paths that we cannot and will not choose when left to our own devices. We do this because we trust the Spirit will gift us and empower us with courage and faith and love and joy and gentleness, etcThatat definitely do not live within us of our own invitation.

This MYSTERY is CRUCIAL to our faith, absolutely CRUCIAL and as Christians we must keep it and even INSIST on it, because there are always people who will try to tell us that God is containable and that God is attainable. From the very beginning of our scriptures, a serpent lays a trap for an unsuspecting woman with the promise that she will be like Yahweh and that has continued throughout our history.

Even our fellow Christians have been tempted to box God. We THINK we know God from His Word, but we cannot ever fully know. The apostle Paul reminds us in I Corinthians that we are ALWAYS seeing through a glass darkly. One day we shall see in full, but that day is not right now, so we must constantly, constantly seek and re-seek the guidance of the Spirit in how we live, teach and preach the Gospel, lest we think we have it figured out and become idolatrous in our self-satisfaction. Mystery is what keeps us seeking. Not knowing the mind of God is what keeps us turning towards Him.

So what is the Trinity? It is our way of expressing what we know about God.

But more importantly, Why is it important to Christians? Because it reminds us how little we understand about God and how very much we have to learn.