The D-word

I am a distracted person. Flylady would call me Sidetracked. But what I think of as "the D-word" makes more sense to me. "Unable to concentrate because one's mind is pre-occupied." Yup. That's me.

Over the past 6 3/4 years of motherhood, I've found that distractions are a little like a drug to me. I am embarrassed to admit that I have a hard time being "present" to my children minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day. I know some women who are just really wonderful at tuning in to their children's wants, needs, dreams, etc. And I'm, frustratingly, not one of them. Give me the opportunity to be distracted and I'm there!

Honestly, I like to think about grown-up things. Big ideas and deep conversations get me very excited. And while I know that one day my children will be able to engage in those conversations with me...well...that's a long way off.

I've been simultaneously glad for, and loathing of, the outlet the internet has provided for me. I find it hard to be a homeschooling mother of people who mainly want to talk about the toys they want to buy with the mythical money they'll never earn doing chores they refuse to contemplate. I've loved the internet -- reading the bloggy thoughts of women and men far wiser than I -- the opportunity to create some sort of alternative community -- it's all made this very isolating job of stay-at-home-schooling-mother a little easier for this extrovert.

But I've also noticed over the past few years "the D-word". I'm just distracted. I found myself crafting facebook status updates while washing dishes. Or wondering about a controversial blog post while reading a book to a child. Or completely ignoring the mountain of laundry on which we live while I spent time reading about the role of women in the New Testament on various internet sites (yeah, nerd-dom never leaves this girl). I just was not here and available to this family emotionally like I should be. Like I want to be. Like I really believe God wants me to be and has called me to be. Distracted.

To combat this, just a little, I got rid of my smartphone a month or so ago. Doing so, means that I don't have access to the internet until Dennis brings his smartphone (which has our wiresless hotspot on it) home from work. I have found it to be a big adjustment. For the first week or so, I felt like I had an itch I could not scratch. But after that, I've found a lot of peace in the disconnection. And once I got used to not having immediate access to information, I think my brain became a little less stream-of-consciousness and that I'm a little more linear. More focused, maybe. (A teeny bit, at least.)

I guess what I've experienced is another D-word that I've always dreaded. "Discipline". I know other people learn this as young children. I'm learning it now. And, you know... it's not ALL bad.

A theology of Gratitude

I've been reading Ann Voskamp's blog for a long time... before I actually understood what a "blog" was, really. She's an extraordinary presence - immensely gifted, even more humble, passionate and yet also compassionate, wise and still seeking, artistic and also grounded in the literal dirt, sweat, blood, and tears of life. (And, as an aside- is there a more well-read woman in the northern hemisphere?) I've longed to have her spiritual maturity and honest longing for God. I've followed her suggestions at Lent and Advent and dutifully started up a gratitude journal. I've made some embarrassing attempts at emulating her writing style. I've even more embarrassingly read and re-read the comments she left here a few times. :) I've not googled her to find out where she lives, yet, but I could have wondered... :)

Anyway - let's just say - I've been a fan for a long time.

So I don't know why I was surprised.

But I was.

I opened her book and began reading. I expected to be moved, expected to be inspired, but did not expect to be shifted into another universe of thought, did not expect to be fundamentally changed.

This book... oh my...what to say about this book that has taken my breath away and swept me up into her dizzying, gloriously stretching, delightfully revealing journey?

This book... is good. And I don't mean "good" as in "nice, fun, happy". I mean "GOOOOOOD!" I mean, "God looked at his creation and saw that it was GOOD" sort of "good." It's the sort of "good" that can only come about after total emptiness has been filled by the Divine -- complete with all the breaking and burning and molding and shaping and groaning that divine birth involves.

This book is so much more than a practical guide to creating a gratitude list, though one could find that in it. It is more than a memoir, more than a reflection on the intersection of the mundane and the divine, though it is definitely these things, too. What this book is, at its essence is a book of profound contemplations on the desire of a creation to be returned to communion with its Creator. From her opening assertions that the original sin is one of ingratitude, Ann spins the tale of how she runs, dances, stumbles and gropes the path of redemption found in a life of thanksgiving.

What Ann has created is an extraordinarily insightful, nuanced and deeply honest theology of Gratitude. The answer she has found to the meaning of life (living in intentional thanksgiving) appears to be simple. But the answer goes beyond just keeping a numbered list of God's gifts, something I've done without the essential accompanying contemplation of God's very nature, His plan for our restoration, His willingness to enter into our lives. Ann knows that living out the satisfied life is so much more than a sterile list. Ann knows that living eucharisteo is perhaps the most challenging task a mortal, fallen creature can undertake. She treats her exploration with all the raw desire, startling honesty and passionate reverence that such a task deserves. It's amazing.

I really wish I could buy tons of these books to hand out to family and friends and church members. And strangers, for that matter. If people get hold of the concept of a life-lived-in-thanksgiving, well... it could be life-changing. I know it already is changing mine.

Thank you, Ann.

Breathtaking

Mommas... I entreat you. Read Ann's words here today.

Keeping eyes open for the risen Christ

Post-Easter has always been a bit of a challenge for me. In pastoral ministry, the focused intention of Lent, Holy Week, and Easter was a gift, especially for a congregation that was, generally, rather purpose-less. After Easter, we had a "now what?" feeling, I think.

This is now my second Easter as a layperson and both Easters, I've been surprised to find that, come Monday morning, the same feeling settled upon our family. Dennis and I talked about how it almost seemed as though we had spent Lent, and especially Holy Week and Easter morning, really carefully shaping our family's devotional experiences only to have Easter pass away with the dawn of Monday morning and a 5 a.m. alarm clock call. The question remains -- now what?

This year, in the face of a bit of malaise, I was smart enough to go back to the Scriptures and read about what the disciples did post-Resurrection. It looks like they had returned to a "normal" pattern of life, to a certain extent. They went to work, ate and slept. But they also shared stories of Jesus. They met together, presumably to remember and perhaps, re-enact what they did with Jesus. And, most instructive to me, they were receptive to meeting the risen Christ wherever they were, even in the most seemingly mundane of settings.

So, this post-Easter, Dennis and I have decided we should do the same. We're back to the day-to-day activities, as per usual. But as we work, eat, sleep, etc., we're going to be intentional about remembering what Jesus did and we'll be trying hard to re-enact what he did, especially how he sacrificed himself. But most of all, we'll be trying to keep our eyes open, ready to meet with the risen Christ wherever we are.

Photo: Dan-o and Annalivia with our Easter cross

Pruning and being pruned

At our new house, we inherited a very old (30-40 years old), very large, VERY overgrown grape vine.

After watching about a thousand (more or less) YouTube videos on pruning, I attacked the vine today. First, I started by taking out the very obvious dead growth, then I started cutting back on those vines with questionable vitality. I cut until I found live wood, then cut back per my instructional videos.

We ended up with a fairly scraggly vine. I would not be surprised if it does not bear fruit this year, though my mother tells me it is entirely possible that it will. But, hopefully, in a few years, we will have a good crop of grapes.

The entire time I was cutting, I was thinking about the vine illustrations in the New Testament. I know regular gardeners are well aware of this, but pruning is sometimes a fairly drastic action. A whole lot of our vine had to be cut away to reveal life. I find that so often in my spiritual life, I balk at taking the drastic steps that cut away death to reveal a place where new life can occur. But, obviously, that is what is necessary sometimes.

The other thing that occurred to me is that growth is not necessarily a gauge of health. Last summer and early fall, our grape vine was full of green, hard fruit. But the sun couldn't reach much of it, and a lot of the grapes did not develop well because so many vines were pulling energy away from the fruit. Further, the growth on some vines, covered up dead wood and, from a bit of a distance, made everything look quite lush. I thought about the many churches where numerical growth is held up as an indicator of health, while energy-sapping offshoots flourish, death/disease goes unchecked, and individuals are not challenged to grow fully.

I guess I have always known that being pruned is a rather painful process. But until I was cutting away the excess myself, I didn't understand just how much of myself really needs to be pruned.

On truth and the search for it

In my previous life as student-of-the-liberal-church, I spent a lot of my time figuring out what I didn't have to believe about the Bible. Historical, social, or economic contexts, textual errors, authorship disputes, interpretive lenses and so on and so forth, blah blah blah.

I have mentioned before that when I was in seminary, I won an award for a very tight, well-constructed theology project. It was incredible, if I do say so myself. Everything in that paper fit together like puzzle pieces in a well-crafted frame.

It was crap.

Really.

When it came down to it, that which I had constructed was just...me. There wasn't any real depth or substance, wonder, mystery, etc. There was a small box and I filled all of it. No room for Jesus. No room for the Spirit. No room for the Creator-of-all-things.

Just. me.

I am at the point now where I no longer want to think about what may or may not be believable. I just believe that the Word is True. All of it.

I know some will think that is feeble-minded or that it is the "easy" way out. I would have thought that.

But I hadn't actually read the words then. And I hadn't had a real glimpse of the power of Jesus.

It's True. I don't know how, but it is.

That's all.

That's enough.

"If you believe in the Gospel what you like, and reject what you don't like, it is not the Gospel you believe, but yourself." ~Augustine (a pretty smart guy)
Thanks, Roo, for the quote.

In process

I have learned, in whatsoever state I am,

therewith to be content. ~Philippians 4:11

Trust as love

Today, I was listening to Midday Connection on Moody Radio. Sheila Walsh was the guest, speaking about a new book. Something she said caught my ear. It went something like this...

"I used to think that our gift to God is our Love. Now I think it is our Trust. Trust is our Love lived out. Trust is Love with flesh on."

He who takes delight

Do you ever think of God as One who delights in you?

For me, it isn't too hard to think of God as loving me, even unconditionally. But that God likes me? Really, truly likes me? That he enjoys my company, smiles at my little jokes, feels exceedingly proud of my successes... that just blows my mind.

And as I think about what I communicate to my children about God, it occurs to me that it is critically important to convey not only His love and provision and mercy, but also His great delight in us.

The Lord your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.
~Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV)

A culture of effort, or a culture of grace

There's a provocative article on racial reconciliation in the new issue of Christianity Today by Chris Rice, co-director of the Duke's Center for Reconciliation. If they make it available online, I'll provide the link, but I suggest any who have an opportunity to read it at a library, church, etc., should do so.

In it, he talks about a ministry of reconciliation of which he was a part in the late 90's that, in effect, had dried up. He was on the verge of leaving a partnership with an African-American friend and the congregation the two co-pastored was feeling the strain and angst in the relationship.

They consulted with John Alexander who diagnosed the problem with these words, "If you don't give God's love in your bones, you will become very dangerous people. Especially activists like you. The most important person in the community is not [the pastors], or any of you, or the people in the neighborhood. The most important person in the community is Jesus. Your life has to keep Jesus at the center."

After the consultation, the author and his partner actually did the hard work of extending grace and the author's partner pointed out that actually extending grace to others in the minutiae of day to day life is a very, very difficult thing.

I won't ruin the rest of the article by summarizing it here, but it's a great reminder that justice issues need to, first, be taken to the cross of Christ. As the author says, "We are not the central actors in saving the world's brokenness. In the life and resurrection of the crucified Christ now living in heaven, God has given us everything we need to live well in a broken world through the Holy Spirit. God has already changed everything through the power of a grace we do not deserve."

And, though I promise I do not mean to diminish the grandeur of working against injustice in the world, for me, the article was a great reminder that ALL issues need to, first, be taken to the cross of Christ. Even (or perhaps, especially) the day-to-day weariness induced by the "effort" so many of us put into parenting can be revived by a reminder to bask in grace for a bit. Again, in the author's words, "For us, 'telling the truth' had come to mean telling...each other how they needed to change. But now we saw that the greatest truth was telling and showing each other how much God loves us. Our paradigm for daily life had shifted to John's mantra, 'Caring for each other, forgiving each other, and keeping the dishes washed. We are forgiven. All the rest is details."

It resonates; that much is sure.

Good stuff. Check it out.

Guarding and unguarding my thoughts

I've encountered a life-changing read this Lent in the book, A Hole in Our Gospel by Richard Stearns, president of World Vision. It is a compelling, challenging book for Christians. It is a compelling, challenging book for me.

I have been processing the book at the same time that our pastor has begun a sermon series on our thought lives. The basis of his sermon series is this passage from Romans 12 "I beseech ye, brethren, by the mercies of God that ye prepare your bodies a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." (pardon -- I have the KJV memorized and it never sounds right to me unless in this version).

As our pastor has pointed out, scripture is clear here that disciplining our thoughts brings us into alignment with the will of God. He talked about how important it is to choose to expose our minds and, thus, our spirits to things that build us up and encourage us to be holy. And, of course, I thought about tv shows and songs and other media (like the internet *ahem*). I thought about what a huge difference it makes in my life to filter the things which influence me. And I thought about how, a year ago or so, I decided to listen to sacred music most of the time and how much that has changed what goes through my head throughout the day. I love the snippets of scripture that appear with melodies at odd moments. The echoes are just lovely.

But while processing my reaction to the earthquake in Haiti, especially through the lens of "the hole" in my gospel, I've realized that while God wants me to guard my thoughts when it comes to those things I seek out to entertain me, that God wants me to unguard my thoughts when it comes to the suffering of others. I am finding that to participate in the grandeur of self-focused thought refinement without applying the exercise to the world beyond is so...hollow. It is "the hole," I guess. And I have realized that the desire to live an insular existence is not a holy desire. I've thought about how many of us will gladly watch CSI or, heck, MYSTERY on PBS or will expose ourselves to all manner of crazy, violent thoughts and dissonant behavior, but won't watch the news or look at pictures of a disaster or read statistics of suffering or even discuss the presence of evil in the world. Being careful not to see the news does not mean that the news doesn't happen.

So, while being called to set my mind on things above, I've been being reminded to open my eyes and see -- really see-- this world God loves.

Thus, my prayer this Lent has been two-fold. First --"May the meditations of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Reedemer." And, I've been praying the prayer of Bob Pierce, World Vision's founder, "Let my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God."

Whatsoever things are LOVELY

I thought it interesting that the word we translate "lovely" is only used right here in the New Testament. It means "acceptable" or "pleasing", but I've always thought of it as "beautiful" and when I think of beautiful things in the Bible, I think of many gorgeous word pictures in the scriptures. So here are some that I'll be pondering today...

1. How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, "Your God reigns!" (Is. 52:7)

2. Many waters cannot quench love; neither can the floods drown it (Song of Songs 8:7)

3. I will lift my eyes up to the hills; from whence shall my help come? My help comes only from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth (Ps. 121)

4. The Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words (Romans 8:26)

Whatsoever things are PURE

Yesterday was Annalivia's birthday. In addition to thinking about that happy event 5 (FIVE!!!) years ago, I was thinking on these things...

1. God's pure gift God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but shall have everlasting life (Jn. 3:16)

2. Jesus' pure gift Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. (Jn 15:13)

3. The Spirit's pure gift But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control (Gal 5:22-23a)

Whatsoever things are RIGHT

I've had such a great time doing some in-depth study on this passage and these words. The word translated "right" in many translations is also translated "just" in others. It is used to describe "righteousness" far more than in other ways and that's what Dennis and I ended up pondering last night. It took us a while to come up with scriptures using "right" or "righteousness". But here is what we're pondering today...

1. Righteousness is a gift from God "He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake" Ps. 23:3b

2. Righteousness fulfills "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied" Mt. 5:6

3. Righteousness protects "Stand firm, therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness..." Eph. 6:14

4. Righteousness takes courage "The righteous one shall live by faith" Rom. 1:17b

Whatsoever things are NOBLE

The Greek word translated "noble" in the NIV means "worthy of respect". Here are those things on which we will be thinking today...

1. God is Creator of the universe "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth" Gen 1.1

2. God is Creator of me "For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb." Ps. 139

3. Jesus defeated death "For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death has no mastery over him." Romans 6:9

4. Jesus died for us. "For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God." 1 Peter 3:18

5. Jesus creates us anew "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Cor. 5:17

Whatsoever things are TRUE

Four true things Dennis and I have been thinking on today...

1. God loves me. "God shows his love for us in that while we were sinners, Christ died for us." Rom. 5:8

2. God is faithful again and again. "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'" Lam. 3:22-24

3. All things WILL work. "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose" Rom. 8:28

4. Children are a gift. "Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior so are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate." Ps. 127:3-4

Number 4 may have been targeted to a Momma stuck inside with sick children. ;)

More on Haiti... and perspective

A friend from college is adopting a sibling set, Wendy and Josiana, from Haiti from the BRESMA orphanage featured on CNN, etc. When the earthquake occurred, the birth parents of Wendy and Josiana, came to the orphanage and took their children because they feared for their lives. These parents are loving parents who gave up their children only when they were certain adoption by others was possible; they love them very, very much. They thought they were helping but they didn't know that help was on the way. Now those parents, with no money, resources, etc. are trying to provide for their children while the orphanage DOES have resources, food, water...

It's a heartbreaking situation.

I've been thinking about Haiti a lot in the last week. Yesterday, at church, I felt the weight of the tragedy throughout the entire service. When I got home, Dennis and I had a very frank discussion about where we are, where we've been, and where we are going as a family.

I have always been one of those people who is fascinated by trends, to a certain extent. I'm going to blame it on growing up during the Coca-cola sweatshirts/ jeans-with-a-triangle-on-the-rear late 80's/ early 90's, but my desire to keep-up-with-the-Jones' is deeper than that. I have found myself too fascinated by Pottery Barn and Anthropologie stores, too enthralled with decorating shows, too taken with the idea of making more visually perfect that which we have...

I'm breaking free from that thinking. We don't have cable tv, so I never watch decorating shows anymore, but I replaced some of that with some blogs that tend to focus on making things more and more pretty. I get that; I do. But when a tragedy like an earthquake that, for all intents and purposes, has debilitated an entire nation occurs and one is reminded that a thousand tragedies, perhaps not of this scope, but of real importance occur every day, well, making a pretty tassel for one's lamp seems so... unimportant.

I am trying not to judge others, though I confess I don't understand how this loss of life cannot be affecting everyone in some significant way. I am judging myself primarily. I think Dennis and I have been realizing over the past few months that we have choices to make in this life, and deliberations to process, and how act on those deliberations will determine how we and our children see this gift of life. We want them to know that while God blesses us with resources that allow us to live a beautiful life, we also have a profound responsibility to His kingdom. The fact is, the resources He's given us can also allow others to live a more beautiful life, sometimes just by the fact that they HAVE life.

I'm curious if others are feeling or have felt a similar nudge in the past few days? Or perhaps at another time?

Something you CAN do NOW for Haiti

I am reposting an email I received from a friend today. This is something YOU can do that would make a difference for Haiti. Please consider reposting this on your blog or facebook (you can create a note with the info and direct your facebook friends to it in your status update). We really CAN make a difference! Thanks! ~April

---------------------

A quick recap: My wife Cathy was in Haiti when the earthquake hit. Traveling with a mission group from the Carmelite Community of the Word from the Altoona-Johnstown Catholic Diocese, they were in a small village about 50 miles north of Port-au-Prince. No one the group was hurt and they are now in the Dominican Republic awaiting a flight this afternoon to Miami. In addition, our daughter and her husband are in the process of adopting two children (Wendy & Josiana--brother and sister) from Haiti. The two children are in an orphanage in Port-au-Prince. Fortunately, no one in the orphanage was hurt in the earthquake, but now they are threatened with a severe lack of drinking water and food.

Beyond for sending money to one of the relief agencies, there is little we can do as individuals to help. EXCEPT...

Like Wendy and Josiana, there are hundreds of Haitian orphans who are awaiting final approval for adoptions to families in the U.S. The building in Haiti where the adoptions are processed was destroyed in the earthquake. It may be years before the processing can resume.

However, the U.S. can grant temporary visas to all orphans whose adoptions were pending before the earthquake. With the grant of visas the oprhans could then come to the U.S. to live with their adoptive families, but be classified as "foster care" children until the final paperwork is completed. In granting the visas, the evacuation of the hundreds of orphans stuck in this limbo will free space in Haitian orphanages for the thousands of new orphans that have been created by this emergency. Please note that under U.S. rules, any family that applies to adopt a foreign child must first be certified as a foster care family, so there is a safe-guard system in place to insure that these oprhans who would come here under this plan will be safe.

PLEASE, PLEASE. Contact your U.S. Senators asking that they put pressure on the United States Citizenship and Immigrantion Service (USCIS) to grant "temporary visas" to all Haitian orphans now in orphanges awaiting the completion of their adoption process.

This is a real way to help and it will cost nothing. You can send Emails by going to the website for the United States Senate (http://www.senate.gov/) and finding the links to your two senators' websites.

If you have contacts or friends in any agency of the U.S. government who could push this idea with USCIS, please reach out to them to help, too.

Thank all of you for your concerns, good thoughts and most of all prayers for my family these past few days. ~Ed

On Haiti

Amidst a baby crawling happily after her brother and his crane truck and a big sister still in her nightgown because it's "more like a princess" and a warm, steady house and more food, clothing, water, resources than we really, ever need, my thoughts are consumed by Haiti and the magnitude of need there following the earthquake.

From an article at World's site...
"about 1.2 million of Haiti’s 8.5 million residents are orphans. Only 200,000 of those live in orphanages. The rest live in the streets, and may not be accounted for weeks, or ever."

Here's the list World compiled of organizations who have resources on the ground now and are able to get immediate assistance to Haitians.

American Bible Society
American Red Cross (or text “HAITI” to 90999 to donate $10)
Children’s Hunger Fund
Christian Aid
Christian Reformed World Relief Committee
Food for the Hungry
Mennonite Central Committee
Operation Blessing International
Samaritan's Purse
World Relief
World Vision

And my lovely friend, Holly, referred readers to Real Hope for Haiti. The blog for their rescue center is here.

Praying, praying, praying...

Some resolutions

I like the New Year. It's a good time to pause, reflect, and challenge. I also like new year's resolutions. It's nice to think about the new year ahead in positive, sometimes audacious, terms.
So here are some of my thoughts on 1o things I'd like to accomplish during 2010:

1. Read the Bible every day.
2. Read through the Bible this year.
3. Discipline my speech.
4. Be intentional about teaching the kids.
5. Get rid of 75% of our stuff. Literally.
6. Eat better and move more.
7. Be more fiscally proactive.
8. Move into the new house.
9. Make time for creativity.
10. Sing more.

I think everything here is doable. We'll see.